Last week was crazy, I accepted the job on Friday and will be starting on the 29th. Right now I feel like I am in some kind of limbo... For some reason I have been kinda in the dumps, most likely a combination of Ben and Matt and exhaustion. Plus I had not been to yoga for over a week and I think it has been affecting me as well.
Last night I had Cheryl's class and it was great though I was a little sluggish. I did feel better afterwards but I'm not completely there. Ben emailed his bday invitation to me this morning and it is really upsetting. I didn't open it. I'm getting into the mindset of not talking to him again and I think that will help but in the meantime I still feel anxious and sad. Godspeed to my next class and starting my new job.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
Sick
Last Friday my world started spinning in a giddy and overwhelming manner. I received a call back from Quiznos, from a job that I had applied for weeks ago. The pay would be almost $20,000 more than I am making and such a huge relief for me.
That night I took my doggies to the river to celebrate. It was overflowing and crazy from the recent rain and hard to find a spot to swim them. Rocky kept watching the sticks flowing by and I was worried that he was crazy enough to jump in and go after them.
On Saturday I bought Laura's gift and plants for the summer - lavendar, mint, oregano, basil, hydrangias and others. I love my house now and am hoping to reseed the back lawn so that it is less dirt and more lush grass.
Sunday started nicely, Matt called early and the tension was released between us. The weather was gorgeous and I had Cheryl's workshop to attend. A little before going to the workshop I started feeling the onset of a bladder infection and was worried. However during and after I felt great. Her workshop was amazing as always. It was an intense hip and shoulder opener. I was feeling much more tired than usual and faltered during her advanced poses, but she ended gently and I was so glad that I came. Sometimes the workshops feel like an extended class, and don't really, I guess, get into the depth of poses or openings. I love the extra hour, but when you are kinda broke and can go to a few classes for free, it didn't seem as worth it. This was different, and she did an amazing job even though Lara was not there.
Regina practiced next to me and that is always fun. I look over and her long legs are bent in ridiculous directions. I had emailed her earlier in the week because I took some sweater accidently from the changing room. It was Wednesday and I was crazy thanks to Ben and Matt. She emailed me back calling me beautiful Melissa and saying it was no big deal. I'm starting to look at myself differently now. I have always hated my looks, my round face and weird chin. I'm starting to look at myself with more love...
On Monday my infection was back with a vengance. Of course at the same time my brakes were slipping and I had to take my car to a mechanic, plus I had a phone interview that afternoon. Ben had my bag of meds and my antibiotics were in there, so I did not take one on Sunday and begged him to drop them off Monday afternoon. First the phone interview went well, despite the fact that I was in intense pain and dizzy. I am checking out the office on Thursday, if I am alive. Then Brakes Plus called and my car would be close to a grand, which is crap. Quite simply it is crap. I had everything replaced less than two years ago at another Brakes Plus and I was tired of it. I picked up my car and went home. I felt better later on, I talked to Matt for awhile and had a good conversation.
Then this morning I woke up to an even worse pain, tried to take Levaquin, promptly threw it up and it was downhill from there. I was nauseated, feverish, cold sweat plus the normal pain of an UTI. I think the Levaquin was pretty strong and that was my biggest reaction. Then, my phone was dying, I only had a car charger, and my car needed to be towed. I made it to the store briefly to spend $30 in cranberry juice, had my car towed and proceeded to be near death for the rest of the afternoon. Ben dropped off some soup from Tula and gatorades when he heard I was sick. I know he has done some pretty awful things to me but I did appreciate that more than anyone could know. It is scary to be single and sick like this. Mike B. was wonderful, it makes me feel guilty for leaving but I am worth more money. Cathy offered to give me a ride places, and I just felt ok about being alone.
I feel a little better but I still have not heard from Dorothy's mechanic, plus I need to get my suit pressed, plus I need a dress and shoes for this wedding, plus I need to make it downtown on Thursday, car or not, so I am just overwhelmed. I didn't plan on being sick this week and had to cancel my haircut, my dog meet, everything. I feel ok, but then when I go outside I feel dizzy. The boys have been good, despite Gus's "sympathy puking" this morning. Plus I did want to get a good week of yoga in prior to leaving and that is looking like it will not be happening. With luck I can get to Lara's late class on Thursday.
Despite all of this, it was kinda fun to be home and read magazines and books and watch movies. I didn't feel guilty about not doing anything else because I did not have the ability to do anything much more than lie down and run to the bathroom.
So all of this is happening at once and I am trying to breathe and to make good decisions and it is exciting and wonderful, but my god I am tired.
That night I took my doggies to the river to celebrate. It was overflowing and crazy from the recent rain and hard to find a spot to swim them. Rocky kept watching the sticks flowing by and I was worried that he was crazy enough to jump in and go after them.
On Saturday I bought Laura's gift and plants for the summer - lavendar, mint, oregano, basil, hydrangias and others. I love my house now and am hoping to reseed the back lawn so that it is less dirt and more lush grass.
Sunday started nicely, Matt called early and the tension was released between us. The weather was gorgeous and I had Cheryl's workshop to attend. A little before going to the workshop I started feeling the onset of a bladder infection and was worried. However during and after I felt great. Her workshop was amazing as always. It was an intense hip and shoulder opener. I was feeling much more tired than usual and faltered during her advanced poses, but she ended gently and I was so glad that I came. Sometimes the workshops feel like an extended class, and don't really, I guess, get into the depth of poses or openings. I love the extra hour, but when you are kinda broke and can go to a few classes for free, it didn't seem as worth it. This was different, and she did an amazing job even though Lara was not there.
Regina practiced next to me and that is always fun. I look over and her long legs are bent in ridiculous directions. I had emailed her earlier in the week because I took some sweater accidently from the changing room. It was Wednesday and I was crazy thanks to Ben and Matt. She emailed me back calling me beautiful Melissa and saying it was no big deal. I'm starting to look at myself differently now. I have always hated my looks, my round face and weird chin. I'm starting to look at myself with more love...
On Monday my infection was back with a vengance. Of course at the same time my brakes were slipping and I had to take my car to a mechanic, plus I had a phone interview that afternoon. Ben had my bag of meds and my antibiotics were in there, so I did not take one on Sunday and begged him to drop them off Monday afternoon. First the phone interview went well, despite the fact that I was in intense pain and dizzy. I am checking out the office on Thursday, if I am alive. Then Brakes Plus called and my car would be close to a grand, which is crap. Quite simply it is crap. I had everything replaced less than two years ago at another Brakes Plus and I was tired of it. I picked up my car and went home. I felt better later on, I talked to Matt for awhile and had a good conversation.
Then this morning I woke up to an even worse pain, tried to take Levaquin, promptly threw it up and it was downhill from there. I was nauseated, feverish, cold sweat plus the normal pain of an UTI. I think the Levaquin was pretty strong and that was my biggest reaction. Then, my phone was dying, I only had a car charger, and my car needed to be towed. I made it to the store briefly to spend $30 in cranberry juice, had my car towed and proceeded to be near death for the rest of the afternoon. Ben dropped off some soup from Tula and gatorades when he heard I was sick. I know he has done some pretty awful things to me but I did appreciate that more than anyone could know. It is scary to be single and sick like this. Mike B. was wonderful, it makes me feel guilty for leaving but I am worth more money. Cathy offered to give me a ride places, and I just felt ok about being alone.
I feel a little better but I still have not heard from Dorothy's mechanic, plus I need to get my suit pressed, plus I need a dress and shoes for this wedding, plus I need to make it downtown on Thursday, car or not, so I am just overwhelmed. I didn't plan on being sick this week and had to cancel my haircut, my dog meet, everything. I feel ok, but then when I go outside I feel dizzy. The boys have been good, despite Gus's "sympathy puking" this morning. Plus I did want to get a good week of yoga in prior to leaving and that is looking like it will not be happening. With luck I can get to Lara's late class on Thursday.
Despite all of this, it was kinda fun to be home and read magazines and books and watch movies. I didn't feel guilty about not doing anything else because I did not have the ability to do anything much more than lie down and run to the bathroom.
So all of this is happening at once and I am trying to breathe and to make good decisions and it is exciting and wonderful, but my god I am tired.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Immersion
This week has been really almost magical to me. On Sunday I did a double - Regina's class in the morning and Jeremy/Kate's in the afternoon. In Jeremy's class I felt so strong and flexible, it is amazing how much your body is warmed up by a class. I wasn't shaking or wobbling in any of the poses and I felt strong and grounded. Jeremy practiced beside me and I was honored that he chose to do this.
On Monday my arms were exhausted. Regina's class was difficult for me. She had us in turbo dog and was helping me by pressing my hands down and truly - one more second and I would have collapsed, but I did hold it longer than if she was not there and I feel good about that.
Last week she had talked about happiness - you want to be happy? Then be happy. Live your life and make your decisions with joy and love, not anger and fear. For whatever reason this clicked with me last night, it makes so much sense. My job can be tedious and dry, but if I look at it from a different perspective I can start to realign this way of thinking and start to live a richer life. I can sit at home and mope because my little friend hasn't called, or I can be thankful for having this time to myself and cuddle with my doggies. My choice.
Crystal studied with Andrey Lappa last weekend. She said he doesn't like his reputation for having a difficult practice because people are afraid to try it. With your mind-body-breath connection you can achieve anything, it just takes effort and focus - push yourself. If you are in bridge and just fine, move to wheel, if wheel is not that challenging - go further. So many people are used to just "hanging out" in poses, in life. I do that, I know I do and it is exciting to me to start trying harder, pushing myself.
I am so blessed and lucky to have found this studio and the wonderful instructors and owners.
On Monday my arms were exhausted. Regina's class was difficult for me. She had us in turbo dog and was helping me by pressing my hands down and truly - one more second and I would have collapsed, but I did hold it longer than if she was not there and I feel good about that.
Last week she had talked about happiness - you want to be happy? Then be happy. Live your life and make your decisions with joy and love, not anger and fear. For whatever reason this clicked with me last night, it makes so much sense. My job can be tedious and dry, but if I look at it from a different perspective I can start to realign this way of thinking and start to live a richer life. I can sit at home and mope because my little friend hasn't called, or I can be thankful for having this time to myself and cuddle with my doggies. My choice.
Crystal studied with Andrey Lappa last weekend. She said he doesn't like his reputation for having a difficult practice because people are afraid to try it. With your mind-body-breath connection you can achieve anything, it just takes effort and focus - push yourself. If you are in bridge and just fine, move to wheel, if wheel is not that challenging - go further. So many people are used to just "hanging out" in poses, in life. I do that, I know I do and it is exciting to me to start trying harder, pushing myself.
I am so blessed and lucky to have found this studio and the wonderful instructors and owners.
Friday, April 20, 2007
Off the Mat
Lately I have been needing to take my practice off the mat and eventually remembering to do so. There have been these ebbs and flows of calm and crazy and now it is evening out to a busy calm. When things are crazy I immerse myself fully in the practice, mind, body, spirit. When things are calm I have a tendency to let my mind wander and maybe not realize the entire connection. The problem is that calm can turn to crazy and when it does - your mind is not as settled as it could be.
This week shook me up a bit. Not in a Ben sort of way - the kind that turns your entire head and heart inside out, but more in a small hiccup way. I had to remind myself that I cannot control what happens in this world and I cannot hold on to things that are not a part of myself. Sometimes in a relationship I focus so intently on how the other person is reacting to me, that I don't actually see that other person.
Cheryl's class was empty the other day - only four of us. It was very intimate and quiet. She talked about how much the mind and body are connected. This is what we have, this mind, this body and this soul. We have everything we need for peace right inside of us. My psychic told me that I am constantly looking for answers outside and it is all to be found inside. This makes sense and she was right on the money in that observation.
Today my intention will be to live in peace and accept whatever God has in store for me. I know that I am blessed and I am lucky to be here, to learn whatever lesson I have set for myself.
This week shook me up a bit. Not in a Ben sort of way - the kind that turns your entire head and heart inside out, but more in a small hiccup way. I had to remind myself that I cannot control what happens in this world and I cannot hold on to things that are not a part of myself. Sometimes in a relationship I focus so intently on how the other person is reacting to me, that I don't actually see that other person.
Cheryl's class was empty the other day - only four of us. It was very intimate and quiet. She talked about how much the mind and body are connected. This is what we have, this mind, this body and this soul. We have everything we need for peace right inside of us. My psychic told me that I am constantly looking for answers outside and it is all to be found inside. This makes sense and she was right on the money in that observation.
Today my intention will be to live in peace and accept whatever God has in store for me. I know that I am blessed and I am lucky to be here, to learn whatever lesson I have set for myself.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Sadness
On Friday night I had a horrible dream. During part of it I was with my family, then I drove them somewhere, there were green hills and trees, I assumed it was Chicago. All of a sudden there were school buses stopped in the middle of the road and people were dying from shot wounds on the hills. There was a sniper and he shot a hole through the lower left of my right hand. I didn't want anyone else in the car to get hurt and I believe it was at that time that I woke up.
I knew it was a powerful dream and that it meant something. I woke up wanting to email Ben in the worst way. He always listens to my dreams and actually comments on them as though I am not incredibly crazy. I ended up telling Matt after he started with - I had the craziest dream.
That night I cut my hand in the exact place that it was hurt in the dream. I think Ryder may have nipped it while we were playing. Then yesterday the shootings happened in Virginia. It might have not at all been related, or I might have something very close with someone who passed, but it was weird in general.
I don't think Matt understands my views on life and death, he was upset when I told him that the deceased were in a better place. I absolutely believe that and feel that the remaining family and friends are the ones who will suffer the most. Those students and teachers had completed their time here and they get to go back home. I think they are incredibly lucky actually.
Regina had a wonderful class last night, she did the prettiest reading. She told us to pray and to pray as though we expect our prayers to be heard, to be answered. She greeted me with hello beautiful Melissa - and it was just nice to hear. Her class felt different, I think she started slower and it fit because I believe there was some sort of sadness over class. The Virginia shootings were brought up at the beginning and she reminded us to be so thankful that we are here and not hurting with our lives completely shaken to the core.
I knew it was a powerful dream and that it meant something. I woke up wanting to email Ben in the worst way. He always listens to my dreams and actually comments on them as though I am not incredibly crazy. I ended up telling Matt after he started with - I had the craziest dream.
That night I cut my hand in the exact place that it was hurt in the dream. I think Ryder may have nipped it while we were playing. Then yesterday the shootings happened in Virginia. It might have not at all been related, or I might have something very close with someone who passed, but it was weird in general.
I don't think Matt understands my views on life and death, he was upset when I told him that the deceased were in a better place. I absolutely believe that and feel that the remaining family and friends are the ones who will suffer the most. Those students and teachers had completed their time here and they get to go back home. I think they are incredibly lucky actually.
Regina had a wonderful class last night, she did the prettiest reading. She told us to pray and to pray as though we expect our prayers to be heard, to be answered. She greeted me with hello beautiful Melissa - and it was just nice to hear. Her class felt different, I think she started slower and it fit because I believe there was some sort of sadness over class. The Virginia shootings were brought up at the beginning and she reminded us to be so thankful that we are here and not hurting with our lives completely shaken to the core.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
New Mat
Yesterday I bought a new mat and it is gorgeous. It is a light mauve and super sticky and just more calming than my old rainbow mat.
Class was wonderful as always yesterday. Regina had us do turbo dog with blocks and mine kept slipping every few minutes. Patricia was a rock star though, I think she held it for the entire ninety hours that Regina had us hold the pose. I feel good, I can bind both sides now in archer arms although one side is barely grasping fingertips. We did these huge shoulder openers that felt so amazing. She had us lay down on our bellies and using a strap, make a small loop and hook it around our ankle. Then you pull on the foot, keeping the knee on the ground, with your right hand raised over your head. You alternate hands, then feet and finally do both arms and both feet, lifting knees off the ground this time. My shoulders are so horrible and tight, it just feels good to know I am working them open somehow.
I booked a flight to Phoenix for Laura's wedding and I'm excited to go. It is probably just going to be mom and dad and I and I want to look for good places to eat while we are there.
Class was wonderful as always yesterday. Regina had us do turbo dog with blocks and mine kept slipping every few minutes. Patricia was a rock star though, I think she held it for the entire ninety hours that Regina had us hold the pose. I feel good, I can bind both sides now in archer arms although one side is barely grasping fingertips. We did these huge shoulder openers that felt so amazing. She had us lay down on our bellies and using a strap, make a small loop and hook it around our ankle. Then you pull on the foot, keeping the knee on the ground, with your right hand raised over your head. You alternate hands, then feet and finally do both arms and both feet, lifting knees off the ground this time. My shoulders are so horrible and tight, it just feels good to know I am working them open somehow.
I booked a flight to Phoenix for Laura's wedding and I'm excited to go. It is probably just going to be mom and dad and I and I want to look for good places to eat while we are there.
Friday, April 6, 2007
April Ice Storm
It is a cold and dreay day today. My car was coved in ice and it has been sleeting/snowing/raining for most of the day. It is the kind of day you want to spend in bed and watch movies or read all day. Or you can go into work and try to get your offering circular filed.
I did make Patrick's class on Tuesday, but I was running late and frazzled. I was also really self-conscious - my clothes smelled like smoke from the downstairs apartment. For the first part of class I could not balance to save my life, then I think I caught my breath. I tried toe-stand again and could not balance, but Marybeth said that just getting down was the tricky part. Thanks to Cheryl I've found that trying, just starting to try, will get you so much farther than you think. Patrick talked about giving your practice, this moment, that much more effort and it made sense. Challenge yourself.
By Wednesday I was really exhausted. I think the full moon has knocked me off balance and I also think that I need to improve my diet. There was a pregnant woman about ready to pop who had more strength and flexibility than most of the class, it was impressive. I did not have a strong practice that night, but I was hesitant in going, so my victory was that I did go and try my best.
Last night I skipped Lara's class and cleaned my house. I'm starting to love my little bungalow, especially it's proximity to the studio, to the wonderful dives on Colfax and the Tattered Cover. The only thing that I really don't like is the smoke smell from below, but I am hoping the summer will ease that a bit.
I did make Patrick's class on Tuesday, but I was running late and frazzled. I was also really self-conscious - my clothes smelled like smoke from the downstairs apartment. For the first part of class I could not balance to save my life, then I think I caught my breath. I tried toe-stand again and could not balance, but Marybeth said that just getting down was the tricky part. Thanks to Cheryl I've found that trying, just starting to try, will get you so much farther than you think. Patrick talked about giving your practice, this moment, that much more effort and it made sense. Challenge yourself.
By Wednesday I was really exhausted. I think the full moon has knocked me off balance and I also think that I need to improve my diet. There was a pregnant woman about ready to pop who had more strength and flexibility than most of the class, it was impressive. I did not have a strong practice that night, but I was hesitant in going, so my victory was that I did go and try my best.
Last night I skipped Lara's class and cleaned my house. I'm starting to love my little bungalow, especially it's proximity to the studio, to the wonderful dives on Colfax and the Tattered Cover. The only thing that I really don't like is the smoke smell from below, but I am hoping the summer will ease that a bit.
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