Tuesday

Last night I had the best vinyasa class with Regina. She worked the hips and legs and it just felt great. She took the time to help with a few postures and I appreciated that.

Ben had been texting me for the past two days and I didn't respond. After class I sent him an email explaining that I felt things were wierd between us and in addition he was probably dating, so that is why I am not responding.

He wrote back that he would try to figure things out and we would get our friendship back. Then he said he did reconnect briefly with someone but they are just friends now.

It hurt me, I don't know why, but I sent a pretty nasty email back to him. In my defense, I never should have ever talked to him again after our last fight. I don't know why I did, but I think the reconnect probably snapped me out of the nice mode. It made me realize that if we become friends again it is going to be another painful game.

Mark came in to GMI and was telling me that his daughter moved in with this guy that cheated on her, and he was devastated and did not understand why she would do that to herself. Maybe it is all coming back together to give me clarity. I'm trying to look at myself as someone's friend, someone's daughter - what would I say to myself (and why can't I believe it coming from me?). If Kathy had told me any of this, I would have given her an hour long lecture on how she is worth more, he is scum, all the usual rally cries. After everything he has done, there is no friendship, there is nothing. I used that emotion in my response. I told him there was nothing to figure out, no friendship and that I appreciated being used as his guinea pig for playing evil.

Tonight I have Crystal's class, then tomorrow I have Cheryl and then this weekend I am going to Steamboat. Last night Regina talked about being thankful for what we have. This weekend I learned I will be getting some extra money from taxes, I am so very thankful. I am thankful that I have this incredible friend who lives in an incredible place to visit. Kathy has helped me in so many ways, I love her dearly. I am thankful for my family, for Cathy reaching out to invite me to do things. I am thankful for the weekend spent in Estes and seeing my parents relax.

I am thankful for my practice at this time. It has kept me busy, it has cleared some emotional damage and it has strengthened me physically. It has become a safe harbor in a place that originally was tied in so many ways to Benjamin.

Last night I walked the dogs and went a different route. I passed a church that was in session, they were singing a song that I did not recognize. I started crying, then prayed for help, from everyone. With the latest Benjamin nonsense I am a bit shakey, somewhat in tears, but I am taking a leap of faith and finally cutting it off. This has gone on for far too long.

Friday

Today I woke up feeling more peaceful and hopeful than I have in the past few weeks. For lunch I treated myself to La Fogata - one of my favorite Mexican joints though I'd love to try others. The big thing was that I did get... fried ice cream! It was horrid of me but so good and a belated valentine to myself. I'm reading a Christopher Moore novel and laughing out loud as always.

Mike and I first started going to La Fogata off Evans and I-25. I loved it. I loved the divey feeling and the strong margs. Lately I have been going to the new one off 225 and dtc blvd. for lunch. It is a lovely place and I bring a book and take my time. I always order the relleno, taco and enchilada combo. The relleno is my favorite and the rest get about two bites. I cannot imagine how anyone can finish a combo. Now, my treat was the fried ice cream. It was huge and lovely. Crispy fried coating, strawberry, honey, it was lovely, no other words.

After work I tried my first bikram class. It was to music and the teacher explained that during this one, she does not talk, so of course I was about ready to bolt until she started. Apparently the not talking thing was just about posture specifics, she still stated what we were supposed to do. It felt good. I still don't know about it.

Tonight I am doing a puzzle (ALWAYS), reading, walking the boys and eating pizza. Cathy and Jeff are downtown but I don't want to deal with parking and I have laundry, etc. to catch up on. Tomorrow I am driving to Frisco to their condo and leaving my angels at home. Funny how I feel so horrible about doing this yet I would leave them 3-4 times a week for Ben. Priorities apparently are not my strong suit.

My first post!

I went back to yoga this time because of extreme depression. I was so lost in a cloud of dark fog that I could not think, I could not function in any sort of way as a healthy person.

The night before my first class I had gone to Ben's house. I was helping him with a business letter and he was cooking me a nice dinner since he had botched one the night before. Using his computer I had seen a file that was just titled "Ben and Christina's vacation". It still hurts me to see this, but I want to remind myself to stay away from him. He took Christina to Mexico a few weeks after we had broken up and he had lied to me about it. When I found out I was shaken to the core. It made an imprint into my heart that is still very much an open wound.

I left crying and could barely tell him why. I don't even think I cared to tell him. It does no good, at least that I have learned. I knew I needed to go to a yoga class, I knew I needed something prior to hurting myself further.

Yoga Energi is a studio in Cherry Creek, near my home. I arrived a bit shaken and craving some sort of peace, some sort of stability. Patrick (a co-owner) welcomed me right when I walked in the door. It felt good to be welcomed, it felt safe to me, it felt like home.

Crystal was my instructor and she was amazing. She was absolutely gorgeous and petite but very strong and very powerful. She had the most soothing voice that guided you through poses and breathing and reminded and clarified what to do with your body. You knew she was somehow connected to a higher power and was here to help guide.

So, here I am a month later. I feel stronger, I still feel comforted deeply by this place. Tonight Crystal told us to have a love-yourself valentines day, and that made more sense to me than anything else in my life right now.

I saw Mike this weekend and it hurt so much. Jaymee asked if it was ok, and I told her yes but was fighting tears. I did not want to get back together with him, but everything came back to me. Ben told me that I should never, ever beg for someone like him, or anyone, to love me. He is right, and I remember my pain, I remember my hurt and sorrow and despair after he told me he wanted to leave. I am worth more than that. I do need to love myself.