He Ma Durga!!

Finally finally I am out of the funk. On Wednesday I had class with Cheryl and she of course is amazing. My postures felt stronger, I felt like I was getting somewhere.

I also felt really really sick and realized I had not been eating. Umm at all really. My jeans are pretty loose and I look quite a bit thinner, which is always fantastice but the whole I'm-going-to-throw-up-and-pass-out thing is a real buzzkill. I'm not trying to not eat, it is just that once you start not eating much, you don't get hungry. I know this does not make sense probably because my body is now eating my brain for fuel. :-)

Crystal told us about Donna De Lory one night - she is coming to Colorado for some concerts. I downloaded her song "He Ma Durga" and oh. my. God. It is so amazing and incredible. Listening to it made me feel lighter, stronger, it was this immediate change. I am hooked, addicted and in love.

Durga is my protector right now and I am trying to feel her through myself. Ben called a couple of times and I did not call or email back. This morning I said out loud - wow, he is an asshole- and lo and behold - a truck with 333 passed by. My confirmation!

Anyways, I am happy, and need to get work done so that I can head to Steamboat and see the very coolest person in this state - Ms. Watson.

Help

Well my little burst of power didn't last long. The email bounced back and I just got a txt telling me to call if I want and lets go to restaurant week next week. I'm not going to resend the email but I'm not going to talk to him. That is it. That is my intention for the rest of the day. I am a nightmare.

Tuesday

Last night I had the best vinyasa class with Regina. She worked the hips and legs and it just felt great. She took the time to help with a few postures and I appreciated that.

Ben had been texting me for the past two days and I didn't respond. After class I sent him an email explaining that I felt things were wierd between us and in addition he was probably dating, so that is why I am not responding.

He wrote back that he would try to figure things out and we would get our friendship back. Then he said he did reconnect briefly with someone but they are just friends now.

It hurt me, I don't know why, but I sent a pretty nasty email back to him. In my defense, I never should have ever talked to him again after our last fight. I don't know why I did, but I think the reconnect probably snapped me out of the nice mode. It made me realize that if we become friends again it is going to be another painful game.

Mark came in to GMI and was telling me that his daughter moved in with this guy that cheated on her, and he was devastated and did not understand why she would do that to herself. Maybe it is all coming back together to give me clarity. I'm trying to look at myself as someone's friend, someone's daughter - what would I say to myself (and why can't I believe it coming from me?). If Kathy had told me any of this, I would have given her an hour long lecture on how she is worth more, he is scum, all the usual rally cries. After everything he has done, there is no friendship, there is nothing. I used that emotion in my response. I told him there was nothing to figure out, no friendship and that I appreciated being used as his guinea pig for playing evil.

Tonight I have Crystal's class, then tomorrow I have Cheryl and then this weekend I am going to Steamboat. Last night Regina talked about being thankful for what we have. This weekend I learned I will be getting some extra money from taxes, I am so very thankful. I am thankful that I have this incredible friend who lives in an incredible place to visit. Kathy has helped me in so many ways, I love her dearly. I am thankful for my family, for Cathy reaching out to invite me to do things. I am thankful for the weekend spent in Estes and seeing my parents relax.

I am thankful for my practice at this time. It has kept me busy, it has cleared some emotional damage and it has strengthened me physically. It has become a safe harbor in a place that originally was tied in so many ways to Benjamin.

Last night I walked the dogs and went a different route. I passed a church that was in session, they were singing a song that I did not recognize. I started crying, then prayed for help, from everyone. With the latest Benjamin nonsense I am a bit shakey, somewhat in tears, but I am taking a leap of faith and finally cutting it off. This has gone on for far too long.

Saturday

Saturday night and a puzzle again. Yes, I am a nerd. Cathy and Jeff did not go to the condo and actually I am grateful. I attended a bikram class againg this morning - forgoing my usual vinyasa in order to get out early.

When I am in bikram it feels like a wierd psychotic gym class. You move in sync, there are pauses in between, but everything is pre-planned and I just don't like going to yoga to feel like a robot. On the other hand, I did feel so calm and positive last night, so I figured it must have opened something in my body.

This morning I realized how much I missed my vinyasa - the diversity and spiritual connection that is placed in every class. I missed seeing Cheryl. When I called on Vday to let her know I was going to be late, and if that was a problem I won't come - she said - This is Cheryl and I WANT you to come! For someone without a valentine, that rocked. :-) I missed doing Adho Mukha Svavasana (downward dog) and even Eka Pada Rajakapotasana (king pidgeon), a tricky but beautiful pose.

It was warmer today, I finished "The Island of the Secret Love Nun" by Christopher Moore. It was great and funny and I missed him.

Friday

Today I woke up feeling more peaceful and hopeful than I have in the past few weeks. For lunch I treated myself to La Fogata - one of my favorite Mexican joints though I'd love to try others. The big thing was that I did get... fried ice cream! It was horrid of me but so good and a belated valentine to myself. I'm reading a Christopher Moore novel and laughing out loud as always.

Mike and I first started going to La Fogata off Evans and I-25. I loved it. I loved the divey feeling and the strong margs. Lately I have been going to the new one off 225 and dtc blvd. for lunch. It is a lovely place and I bring a book and take my time. I always order the relleno, taco and enchilada combo. The relleno is my favorite and the rest get about two bites. I cannot imagine how anyone can finish a combo. Now, my treat was the fried ice cream. It was huge and lovely. Crispy fried coating, strawberry, honey, it was lovely, no other words.

After work I tried my first bikram class. It was to music and the teacher explained that during this one, she does not talk, so of course I was about ready to bolt until she started. Apparently the not talking thing was just about posture specifics, she still stated what we were supposed to do. It felt good. I still don't know about it.

Tonight I am doing a puzzle (ALWAYS), reading, walking the boys and eating pizza. Cathy and Jeff are downtown but I don't want to deal with parking and I have laundry, etc. to catch up on. Tomorrow I am driving to Frisco to their condo and leaving my angels at home. Funny how I feel so horrible about doing this yet I would leave them 3-4 times a week for Ben. Priorities apparently are not my strong suit.

Valentines Day

So... today sucked. I lost my footing today, I don't know how, but I feel shaken. Benjamin called around noon and left a message, asking about job finding for myself. I did not call him back, he did not call me back. I don't want to talk to him, I don't want to hear him talk about everything except what he is doing tonight or with whom or whatever. I am sure he is sleeping with or dating someone and it hurts to know you have been traded, if that makes sense. It hurts to know that he needs to impress someone else, but not me. It feels as though I am not worthy of that, and it just hurts. I think that was alot of the reason that I was able to not talk to him without complete despair. I was realizing that it hurt to hear about him having nice dinners with others - friends even - while I had become the pizza and leftovers girl. It hurts that when I told him my saddest and scariest secrets it was the end of our friendship. I can't talk to him casually and hear we may meet for lunch. It feels too much.

I don't know. I am just hurt in general. I am scared. I am in pain. I am tired.

I did go to yoga tonight, I raced there - but for some reason it is not helping me. I am scared by my utter lack of self-confidence.

Right now I am eating pizza with Mr. Gus and Mr. Rocky at my feet. I am crying, I have the tv on and a puzzle on the table and I don't want to do anything except not be on this earth. I have never felt so entirely alone as I am tonight. Godspeed to a better day.

My first post!

I went back to yoga this time because of extreme depression. I was so lost in a cloud of dark fog that I could not think, I could not function in any sort of way as a healthy person.

The night before my first class I had gone to Ben's house. I was helping him with a business letter and he was cooking me a nice dinner since he had botched one the night before. Using his computer I had seen a file that was just titled "Ben and Christina's vacation". It still hurts me to see this, but I want to remind myself to stay away from him. He took Christina to Mexico a few weeks after we had broken up and he had lied to me about it. When I found out I was shaken to the core. It made an imprint into my heart that is still very much an open wound.

I left crying and could barely tell him why. I don't even think I cared to tell him. It does no good, at least that I have learned. I knew I needed to go to a yoga class, I knew I needed something prior to hurting myself further.

Yoga Energi is a studio in Cherry Creek, near my home. I arrived a bit shaken and craving some sort of peace, some sort of stability. Patrick (a co-owner) welcomed me right when I walked in the door. It felt good to be welcomed, it felt safe to me, it felt like home.

Crystal was my instructor and she was amazing. She was absolutely gorgeous and petite but very strong and very powerful. She had the most soothing voice that guided you through poses and breathing and reminded and clarified what to do with your body. You knew she was somehow connected to a higher power and was here to help guide.

So, here I am a month later. I feel stronger, I still feel comforted deeply by this place. Tonight Crystal told us to have a love-yourself valentines day, and that made more sense to me than anything else in my life right now.

I saw Mike this weekend and it hurt so much. Jaymee asked if it was ok, and I told her yes but was fighting tears. I did not want to get back together with him, but everything came back to me. Ben told me that I should never, ever beg for someone like him, or anyone, to love me. He is right, and I remember my pain, I remember my hurt and sorrow and despair after he told me he wanted to leave. I am worth more than that. I do need to love myself.