Tuesday

Last night I had the best vinyasa class with Regina. She worked the hips and legs and it just felt great. She took the time to help with a few postures and I appreciated that.

Ben had been texting me for the past two days and I didn't respond. After class I sent him an email explaining that I felt things were wierd between us and in addition he was probably dating, so that is why I am not responding.

He wrote back that he would try to figure things out and we would get our friendship back. Then he said he did reconnect briefly with someone but they are just friends now.

It hurt me, I don't know why, but I sent a pretty nasty email back to him. In my defense, I never should have ever talked to him again after our last fight. I don't know why I did, but I think the reconnect probably snapped me out of the nice mode. It made me realize that if we become friends again it is going to be another painful game.

Mark came in to GMI and was telling me that his daughter moved in with this guy that cheated on her, and he was devastated and did not understand why she would do that to herself. Maybe it is all coming back together to give me clarity. I'm trying to look at myself as someone's friend, someone's daughter - what would I say to myself (and why can't I believe it coming from me?). If Kathy had told me any of this, I would have given her an hour long lecture on how she is worth more, he is scum, all the usual rally cries. After everything he has done, there is no friendship, there is nothing. I used that emotion in my response. I told him there was nothing to figure out, no friendship and that I appreciated being used as his guinea pig for playing evil.

Tonight I have Crystal's class, then tomorrow I have Cheryl and then this weekend I am going to Steamboat. Last night Regina talked about being thankful for what we have. This weekend I learned I will be getting some extra money from taxes, I am so very thankful. I am thankful that I have this incredible friend who lives in an incredible place to visit. Kathy has helped me in so many ways, I love her dearly. I am thankful for my family, for Cathy reaching out to invite me to do things. I am thankful for the weekend spent in Estes and seeing my parents relax.

I am thankful for my practice at this time. It has kept me busy, it has cleared some emotional damage and it has strengthened me physically. It has become a safe harbor in a place that originally was tied in so many ways to Benjamin.

Last night I walked the dogs and went a different route. I passed a church that was in session, they were singing a song that I did not recognize. I started crying, then prayed for help, from everyone. With the latest Benjamin nonsense I am a bit shakey, somewhat in tears, but I am taking a leap of faith and finally cutting it off. This has gone on for far too long.