Valentines Day

So... today sucked. I lost my footing today, I don't know how, but I feel shaken. Benjamin called around noon and left a message, asking about job finding for myself. I did not call him back, he did not call me back. I don't want to talk to him, I don't want to hear him talk about everything except what he is doing tonight or with whom or whatever. I am sure he is sleeping with or dating someone and it hurts to know you have been traded, if that makes sense. It hurts to know that he needs to impress someone else, but not me. It feels as though I am not worthy of that, and it just hurts. I think that was alot of the reason that I was able to not talk to him without complete despair. I was realizing that it hurt to hear about him having nice dinners with others - friends even - while I had become the pizza and leftovers girl. It hurts that when I told him my saddest and scariest secrets it was the end of our friendship. I can't talk to him casually and hear we may meet for lunch. It feels too much.

I don't know. I am just hurt in general. I am scared. I am in pain. I am tired.

I did go to yoga tonight, I raced there - but for some reason it is not helping me. I am scared by my utter lack of self-confidence.

Right now I am eating pizza with Mr. Gus and Mr. Rocky at my feet. I am crying, I have the tv on and a puzzle on the table and I don't want to do anything except not be on this earth. I have never felt so entirely alone as I am tonight. Godspeed to a better day.