Last week was crazy, I accepted the job on Friday and will be starting on the 29th. Right now I feel like I am in some kind of limbo... For some reason I have been kinda in the dumps, most likely a combination of Ben and Matt and exhaustion. Plus I had not been to yoga for over a week and I think it has been affecting me as well.
Last night I had Cheryl's class and it was great though I was a little sluggish. I did feel better afterwards but I'm not completely there. Ben emailed his bday invitation to me this morning and it is really upsetting. I didn't open it. I'm getting into the mindset of not talking to him again and I think that will help but in the meantime I still feel anxious and sad. Godspeed to my next class and starting my new job.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
Sick
Last Friday my world started spinning in a giddy and overwhelming manner. I received a call back from Quiznos, from a job that I had applied for weeks ago. The pay would be almost $20,000 more than I am making and such a huge relief for me.
That night I took my doggies to the river to celebrate. It was overflowing and crazy from the recent rain and hard to find a spot to swim them. Rocky kept watching the sticks flowing by and I was worried that he was crazy enough to jump in and go after them.
On Saturday I bought Laura's gift and plants for the summer - lavendar, mint, oregano, basil, hydrangias and others. I love my house now and am hoping to reseed the back lawn so that it is less dirt and more lush grass.
Sunday started nicely, Matt called early and the tension was released between us. The weather was gorgeous and I had Cheryl's workshop to attend. A little before going to the workshop I started feeling the onset of a bladder infection and was worried. However during and after I felt great. Her workshop was amazing as always. It was an intense hip and shoulder opener. I was feeling much more tired than usual and faltered during her advanced poses, but she ended gently and I was so glad that I came. Sometimes the workshops feel like an extended class, and don't really, I guess, get into the depth of poses or openings. I love the extra hour, but when you are kinda broke and can go to a few classes for free, it didn't seem as worth it. This was different, and she did an amazing job even though Lara was not there.
Regina practiced next to me and that is always fun. I look over and her long legs are bent in ridiculous directions. I had emailed her earlier in the week because I took some sweater accidently from the changing room. It was Wednesday and I was crazy thanks to Ben and Matt. She emailed me back calling me beautiful Melissa and saying it was no big deal. I'm starting to look at myself differently now. I have always hated my looks, my round face and weird chin. I'm starting to look at myself with more love...
On Monday my infection was back with a vengance. Of course at the same time my brakes were slipping and I had to take my car to a mechanic, plus I had a phone interview that afternoon. Ben had my bag of meds and my antibiotics were in there, so I did not take one on Sunday and begged him to drop them off Monday afternoon. First the phone interview went well, despite the fact that I was in intense pain and dizzy. I am checking out the office on Thursday, if I am alive. Then Brakes Plus called and my car would be close to a grand, which is crap. Quite simply it is crap. I had everything replaced less than two years ago at another Brakes Plus and I was tired of it. I picked up my car and went home. I felt better later on, I talked to Matt for awhile and had a good conversation.
Then this morning I woke up to an even worse pain, tried to take Levaquin, promptly threw it up and it was downhill from there. I was nauseated, feverish, cold sweat plus the normal pain of an UTI. I think the Levaquin was pretty strong and that was my biggest reaction. Then, my phone was dying, I only had a car charger, and my car needed to be towed. I made it to the store briefly to spend $30 in cranberry juice, had my car towed and proceeded to be near death for the rest of the afternoon. Ben dropped off some soup from Tula and gatorades when he heard I was sick. I know he has done some pretty awful things to me but I did appreciate that more than anyone could know. It is scary to be single and sick like this. Mike B. was wonderful, it makes me feel guilty for leaving but I am worth more money. Cathy offered to give me a ride places, and I just felt ok about being alone.
I feel a little better but I still have not heard from Dorothy's mechanic, plus I need to get my suit pressed, plus I need a dress and shoes for this wedding, plus I need to make it downtown on Thursday, car or not, so I am just overwhelmed. I didn't plan on being sick this week and had to cancel my haircut, my dog meet, everything. I feel ok, but then when I go outside I feel dizzy. The boys have been good, despite Gus's "sympathy puking" this morning. Plus I did want to get a good week of yoga in prior to leaving and that is looking like it will not be happening. With luck I can get to Lara's late class on Thursday.
Despite all of this, it was kinda fun to be home and read magazines and books and watch movies. I didn't feel guilty about not doing anything else because I did not have the ability to do anything much more than lie down and run to the bathroom.
So all of this is happening at once and I am trying to breathe and to make good decisions and it is exciting and wonderful, but my god I am tired.
That night I took my doggies to the river to celebrate. It was overflowing and crazy from the recent rain and hard to find a spot to swim them. Rocky kept watching the sticks flowing by and I was worried that he was crazy enough to jump in and go after them.
On Saturday I bought Laura's gift and plants for the summer - lavendar, mint, oregano, basil, hydrangias and others. I love my house now and am hoping to reseed the back lawn so that it is less dirt and more lush grass.
Sunday started nicely, Matt called early and the tension was released between us. The weather was gorgeous and I had Cheryl's workshop to attend. A little before going to the workshop I started feeling the onset of a bladder infection and was worried. However during and after I felt great. Her workshop was amazing as always. It was an intense hip and shoulder opener. I was feeling much more tired than usual and faltered during her advanced poses, but she ended gently and I was so glad that I came. Sometimes the workshops feel like an extended class, and don't really, I guess, get into the depth of poses or openings. I love the extra hour, but when you are kinda broke and can go to a few classes for free, it didn't seem as worth it. This was different, and she did an amazing job even though Lara was not there.
Regina practiced next to me and that is always fun. I look over and her long legs are bent in ridiculous directions. I had emailed her earlier in the week because I took some sweater accidently from the changing room. It was Wednesday and I was crazy thanks to Ben and Matt. She emailed me back calling me beautiful Melissa and saying it was no big deal. I'm starting to look at myself differently now. I have always hated my looks, my round face and weird chin. I'm starting to look at myself with more love...
On Monday my infection was back with a vengance. Of course at the same time my brakes were slipping and I had to take my car to a mechanic, plus I had a phone interview that afternoon. Ben had my bag of meds and my antibiotics were in there, so I did not take one on Sunday and begged him to drop them off Monday afternoon. First the phone interview went well, despite the fact that I was in intense pain and dizzy. I am checking out the office on Thursday, if I am alive. Then Brakes Plus called and my car would be close to a grand, which is crap. Quite simply it is crap. I had everything replaced less than two years ago at another Brakes Plus and I was tired of it. I picked up my car and went home. I felt better later on, I talked to Matt for awhile and had a good conversation.
Then this morning I woke up to an even worse pain, tried to take Levaquin, promptly threw it up and it was downhill from there. I was nauseated, feverish, cold sweat plus the normal pain of an UTI. I think the Levaquin was pretty strong and that was my biggest reaction. Then, my phone was dying, I only had a car charger, and my car needed to be towed. I made it to the store briefly to spend $30 in cranberry juice, had my car towed and proceeded to be near death for the rest of the afternoon. Ben dropped off some soup from Tula and gatorades when he heard I was sick. I know he has done some pretty awful things to me but I did appreciate that more than anyone could know. It is scary to be single and sick like this. Mike B. was wonderful, it makes me feel guilty for leaving but I am worth more money. Cathy offered to give me a ride places, and I just felt ok about being alone.
I feel a little better but I still have not heard from Dorothy's mechanic, plus I need to get my suit pressed, plus I need a dress and shoes for this wedding, plus I need to make it downtown on Thursday, car or not, so I am just overwhelmed. I didn't plan on being sick this week and had to cancel my haircut, my dog meet, everything. I feel ok, but then when I go outside I feel dizzy. The boys have been good, despite Gus's "sympathy puking" this morning. Plus I did want to get a good week of yoga in prior to leaving and that is looking like it will not be happening. With luck I can get to Lara's late class on Thursday.
Despite all of this, it was kinda fun to be home and read magazines and books and watch movies. I didn't feel guilty about not doing anything else because I did not have the ability to do anything much more than lie down and run to the bathroom.
So all of this is happening at once and I am trying to breathe and to make good decisions and it is exciting and wonderful, but my god I am tired.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Immersion
This week has been really almost magical to me. On Sunday I did a double - Regina's class in the morning and Jeremy/Kate's in the afternoon. In Jeremy's class I felt so strong and flexible, it is amazing how much your body is warmed up by a class. I wasn't shaking or wobbling in any of the poses and I felt strong and grounded. Jeremy practiced beside me and I was honored that he chose to do this.
On Monday my arms were exhausted. Regina's class was difficult for me. She had us in turbo dog and was helping me by pressing my hands down and truly - one more second and I would have collapsed, but I did hold it longer than if she was not there and I feel good about that.
Last week she had talked about happiness - you want to be happy? Then be happy. Live your life and make your decisions with joy and love, not anger and fear. For whatever reason this clicked with me last night, it makes so much sense. My job can be tedious and dry, but if I look at it from a different perspective I can start to realign this way of thinking and start to live a richer life. I can sit at home and mope because my little friend hasn't called, or I can be thankful for having this time to myself and cuddle with my doggies. My choice.
Crystal studied with Andrey Lappa last weekend. She said he doesn't like his reputation for having a difficult practice because people are afraid to try it. With your mind-body-breath connection you can achieve anything, it just takes effort and focus - push yourself. If you are in bridge and just fine, move to wheel, if wheel is not that challenging - go further. So many people are used to just "hanging out" in poses, in life. I do that, I know I do and it is exciting to me to start trying harder, pushing myself.
I am so blessed and lucky to have found this studio and the wonderful instructors and owners.
On Monday my arms were exhausted. Regina's class was difficult for me. She had us in turbo dog and was helping me by pressing my hands down and truly - one more second and I would have collapsed, but I did hold it longer than if she was not there and I feel good about that.
Last week she had talked about happiness - you want to be happy? Then be happy. Live your life and make your decisions with joy and love, not anger and fear. For whatever reason this clicked with me last night, it makes so much sense. My job can be tedious and dry, but if I look at it from a different perspective I can start to realign this way of thinking and start to live a richer life. I can sit at home and mope because my little friend hasn't called, or I can be thankful for having this time to myself and cuddle with my doggies. My choice.
Crystal studied with Andrey Lappa last weekend. She said he doesn't like his reputation for having a difficult practice because people are afraid to try it. With your mind-body-breath connection you can achieve anything, it just takes effort and focus - push yourself. If you are in bridge and just fine, move to wheel, if wheel is not that challenging - go further. So many people are used to just "hanging out" in poses, in life. I do that, I know I do and it is exciting to me to start trying harder, pushing myself.
I am so blessed and lucky to have found this studio and the wonderful instructors and owners.
Friday, April 20, 2007
Off the Mat
Lately I have been needing to take my practice off the mat and eventually remembering to do so. There have been these ebbs and flows of calm and crazy and now it is evening out to a busy calm. When things are crazy I immerse myself fully in the practice, mind, body, spirit. When things are calm I have a tendency to let my mind wander and maybe not realize the entire connection. The problem is that calm can turn to crazy and when it does - your mind is not as settled as it could be.
This week shook me up a bit. Not in a Ben sort of way - the kind that turns your entire head and heart inside out, but more in a small hiccup way. I had to remind myself that I cannot control what happens in this world and I cannot hold on to things that are not a part of myself. Sometimes in a relationship I focus so intently on how the other person is reacting to me, that I don't actually see that other person.
Cheryl's class was empty the other day - only four of us. It was very intimate and quiet. She talked about how much the mind and body are connected. This is what we have, this mind, this body and this soul. We have everything we need for peace right inside of us. My psychic told me that I am constantly looking for answers outside and it is all to be found inside. This makes sense and she was right on the money in that observation.
Today my intention will be to live in peace and accept whatever God has in store for me. I know that I am blessed and I am lucky to be here, to learn whatever lesson I have set for myself.
This week shook me up a bit. Not in a Ben sort of way - the kind that turns your entire head and heart inside out, but more in a small hiccup way. I had to remind myself that I cannot control what happens in this world and I cannot hold on to things that are not a part of myself. Sometimes in a relationship I focus so intently on how the other person is reacting to me, that I don't actually see that other person.
Cheryl's class was empty the other day - only four of us. It was very intimate and quiet. She talked about how much the mind and body are connected. This is what we have, this mind, this body and this soul. We have everything we need for peace right inside of us. My psychic told me that I am constantly looking for answers outside and it is all to be found inside. This makes sense and she was right on the money in that observation.
Today my intention will be to live in peace and accept whatever God has in store for me. I know that I am blessed and I am lucky to be here, to learn whatever lesson I have set for myself.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Sadness
On Friday night I had a horrible dream. During part of it I was with my family, then I drove them somewhere, there were green hills and trees, I assumed it was Chicago. All of a sudden there were school buses stopped in the middle of the road and people were dying from shot wounds on the hills. There was a sniper and he shot a hole through the lower left of my right hand. I didn't want anyone else in the car to get hurt and I believe it was at that time that I woke up.
I knew it was a powerful dream and that it meant something. I woke up wanting to email Ben in the worst way. He always listens to my dreams and actually comments on them as though I am not incredibly crazy. I ended up telling Matt after he started with - I had the craziest dream.
That night I cut my hand in the exact place that it was hurt in the dream. I think Ryder may have nipped it while we were playing. Then yesterday the shootings happened in Virginia. It might have not at all been related, or I might have something very close with someone who passed, but it was weird in general.
I don't think Matt understands my views on life and death, he was upset when I told him that the deceased were in a better place. I absolutely believe that and feel that the remaining family and friends are the ones who will suffer the most. Those students and teachers had completed their time here and they get to go back home. I think they are incredibly lucky actually.
Regina had a wonderful class last night, she did the prettiest reading. She told us to pray and to pray as though we expect our prayers to be heard, to be answered. She greeted me with hello beautiful Melissa - and it was just nice to hear. Her class felt different, I think she started slower and it fit because I believe there was some sort of sadness over class. The Virginia shootings were brought up at the beginning and she reminded us to be so thankful that we are here and not hurting with our lives completely shaken to the core.
I knew it was a powerful dream and that it meant something. I woke up wanting to email Ben in the worst way. He always listens to my dreams and actually comments on them as though I am not incredibly crazy. I ended up telling Matt after he started with - I had the craziest dream.
That night I cut my hand in the exact place that it was hurt in the dream. I think Ryder may have nipped it while we were playing. Then yesterday the shootings happened in Virginia. It might have not at all been related, or I might have something very close with someone who passed, but it was weird in general.
I don't think Matt understands my views on life and death, he was upset when I told him that the deceased were in a better place. I absolutely believe that and feel that the remaining family and friends are the ones who will suffer the most. Those students and teachers had completed their time here and they get to go back home. I think they are incredibly lucky actually.
Regina had a wonderful class last night, she did the prettiest reading. She told us to pray and to pray as though we expect our prayers to be heard, to be answered. She greeted me with hello beautiful Melissa - and it was just nice to hear. Her class felt different, I think she started slower and it fit because I believe there was some sort of sadness over class. The Virginia shootings were brought up at the beginning and she reminded us to be so thankful that we are here and not hurting with our lives completely shaken to the core.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
New Mat
Yesterday I bought a new mat and it is gorgeous. It is a light mauve and super sticky and just more calming than my old rainbow mat.
Class was wonderful as always yesterday. Regina had us do turbo dog with blocks and mine kept slipping every few minutes. Patricia was a rock star though, I think she held it for the entire ninety hours that Regina had us hold the pose. I feel good, I can bind both sides now in archer arms although one side is barely grasping fingertips. We did these huge shoulder openers that felt so amazing. She had us lay down on our bellies and using a strap, make a small loop and hook it around our ankle. Then you pull on the foot, keeping the knee on the ground, with your right hand raised over your head. You alternate hands, then feet and finally do both arms and both feet, lifting knees off the ground this time. My shoulders are so horrible and tight, it just feels good to know I am working them open somehow.
I booked a flight to Phoenix for Laura's wedding and I'm excited to go. It is probably just going to be mom and dad and I and I want to look for good places to eat while we are there.
Class was wonderful as always yesterday. Regina had us do turbo dog with blocks and mine kept slipping every few minutes. Patricia was a rock star though, I think she held it for the entire ninety hours that Regina had us hold the pose. I feel good, I can bind both sides now in archer arms although one side is barely grasping fingertips. We did these huge shoulder openers that felt so amazing. She had us lay down on our bellies and using a strap, make a small loop and hook it around our ankle. Then you pull on the foot, keeping the knee on the ground, with your right hand raised over your head. You alternate hands, then feet and finally do both arms and both feet, lifting knees off the ground this time. My shoulders are so horrible and tight, it just feels good to know I am working them open somehow.
I booked a flight to Phoenix for Laura's wedding and I'm excited to go. It is probably just going to be mom and dad and I and I want to look for good places to eat while we are there.
Friday, April 6, 2007
April Ice Storm
It is a cold and dreay day today. My car was coved in ice and it has been sleeting/snowing/raining for most of the day. It is the kind of day you want to spend in bed and watch movies or read all day. Or you can go into work and try to get your offering circular filed.
I did make Patrick's class on Tuesday, but I was running late and frazzled. I was also really self-conscious - my clothes smelled like smoke from the downstairs apartment. For the first part of class I could not balance to save my life, then I think I caught my breath. I tried toe-stand again and could not balance, but Marybeth said that just getting down was the tricky part. Thanks to Cheryl I've found that trying, just starting to try, will get you so much farther than you think. Patrick talked about giving your practice, this moment, that much more effort and it made sense. Challenge yourself.
By Wednesday I was really exhausted. I think the full moon has knocked me off balance and I also think that I need to improve my diet. There was a pregnant woman about ready to pop who had more strength and flexibility than most of the class, it was impressive. I did not have a strong practice that night, but I was hesitant in going, so my victory was that I did go and try my best.
Last night I skipped Lara's class and cleaned my house. I'm starting to love my little bungalow, especially it's proximity to the studio, to the wonderful dives on Colfax and the Tattered Cover. The only thing that I really don't like is the smoke smell from below, but I am hoping the summer will ease that a bit.
I did make Patrick's class on Tuesday, but I was running late and frazzled. I was also really self-conscious - my clothes smelled like smoke from the downstairs apartment. For the first part of class I could not balance to save my life, then I think I caught my breath. I tried toe-stand again and could not balance, but Marybeth said that just getting down was the tricky part. Thanks to Cheryl I've found that trying, just starting to try, will get you so much farther than you think. Patrick talked about giving your practice, this moment, that much more effort and it made sense. Challenge yourself.
By Wednesday I was really exhausted. I think the full moon has knocked me off balance and I also think that I need to improve my diet. There was a pregnant woman about ready to pop who had more strength and flexibility than most of the class, it was impressive. I did not have a strong practice that night, but I was hesitant in going, so my victory was that I did go and try my best.
Last night I skipped Lara's class and cleaned my house. I'm starting to love my little bungalow, especially it's proximity to the studio, to the wonderful dives on Colfax and the Tattered Cover. The only thing that I really don't like is the smoke smell from below, but I am hoping the summer will ease that a bit.
Thursday, April 5, 2007
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
Monday Monday
I'm realizing that I actually look forward to Monday's now because of Regina's class. She was awesome as usual, we started with abs, then moved straight to turbo dog. :-) I love getting into dolphin right after turbo dog, you feel so strong and light.
I'm getting a little better at half moon but it is still one of my most challenging. At least I can start to stack my hips without falling every two seconds. I just need to get steadier and start to look toward the ceiling. I'm trying to envision myself standing strong and steady in my poses and it has been helping a bit especially during the balancing poses.
We ended doing kind of a bound wheel, I cannot for the life of me remember the name, but you rest your forearms on the ground. It was tough, it hurt... but it felt good to know I could at least try it. My shoulders are still pinched in wheel and I need to just keep experimenting to find if I need to get a wider stance with my arms or bring them closer.
The intent of class was to start doing things out of joy. To be honest I am having the toughest time with that, it is horrible!! I think I am going through a transition again. At least now I am more mindful of what I am bringing to my life. I know it will change, I will make it change.
Regina was really inspiring. She told me that I did a great job and really welcomed me. It makes such a difference when you have that kind of kindness. I could probably meet more people (ahem, men) if I went to core or to samadhi, but I LOVE this studio and it is the first time that I am doing something really for me. I love that I am welcomed into the studio, I love the peacefulness, the sense of community when someone remembers you and notices your growth or maybe some days just notices that you needed to be there. I love that I don't have to worry about what I am wearing. I love all of the instructors. I've noticed that instructors from other studios come here to practice and I think that says it all.
This weekend I noticed I was much more confident meeting Matt. I was myself, a little goofy and not exactly balanced, but I felt more sure of myself than I have ever been before.
One other thing... We had really intense hip and shoulder openers, which I love, but when I got home I did cry a little. I don't know what happened or why, but at least it is out.
I am hoping to make Patrick's class tonight but I don't know if that is going to happen...
I'm getting a little better at half moon but it is still one of my most challenging. At least I can start to stack my hips without falling every two seconds. I just need to get steadier and start to look toward the ceiling. I'm trying to envision myself standing strong and steady in my poses and it has been helping a bit especially during the balancing poses.
We ended doing kind of a bound wheel, I cannot for the life of me remember the name, but you rest your forearms on the ground. It was tough, it hurt... but it felt good to know I could at least try it. My shoulders are still pinched in wheel and I need to just keep experimenting to find if I need to get a wider stance with my arms or bring them closer.
The intent of class was to start doing things out of joy. To be honest I am having the toughest time with that, it is horrible!! I think I am going through a transition again. At least now I am more mindful of what I am bringing to my life. I know it will change, I will make it change.
Regina was really inspiring. She told me that I did a great job and really welcomed me. It makes such a difference when you have that kind of kindness. I could probably meet more people (ahem, men) if I went to core or to samadhi, but I LOVE this studio and it is the first time that I am doing something really for me. I love that I am welcomed into the studio, I love the peacefulness, the sense of community when someone remembers you and notices your growth or maybe some days just notices that you needed to be there. I love that I don't have to worry about what I am wearing. I love all of the instructors. I've noticed that instructors from other studios come here to practice and I think that says it all.
This weekend I noticed I was much more confident meeting Matt. I was myself, a little goofy and not exactly balanced, but I felt more sure of myself than I have ever been before.
One other thing... We had really intense hip and shoulder openers, which I love, but when I got home I did cry a little. I don't know what happened or why, but at least it is out.
I am hoping to make Patrick's class tonight but I don't know if that is going to happen...
Weekend
This weekend was weird. I did not make it to Friday's class (work), then did not make it to Cheryl's class (too tired) but I did make myself go to Marybeth's bikram. I had had a class with Marybeth before and thought it was ok, nothing special, but I do really like her. She is always nice to me.
I am so glad that I went. First, whenever I leave yoga I feel so much more stable, calm and confident. I knew that I would probably meet Mr. M for the first time that night and I knew that it would make a difference if I went.
Marybeth was AWESOME!! We had a smaller class and she was just so inspiring. She noticed that I was getting stronger and was giving some really good talks about the poses and how they help you. There were two new girls in class and she really guided them well without ignoring or slowing the rest of the class.
I missed Jeremy's because Matt really wanted to take the dogs to the river, and the dogs REALLY needed to get some exercise. He had worked during the day so we were not able to go sooner. It was a nice day, warm, a little breezy. The dogs had a blast and there were no problems other than the usual having-to-call-them-five-hundred-times because SOMEONE does not listen.
Then we saw 300 and since then I have had the goriest nightmares. They are not as much scary as just anxiety-ridden. I wake up and feel frazzled, which is not good.
I am so glad that I went. First, whenever I leave yoga I feel so much more stable, calm and confident. I knew that I would probably meet Mr. M for the first time that night and I knew that it would make a difference if I went.
Marybeth was AWESOME!! We had a smaller class and she was just so inspiring. She noticed that I was getting stronger and was giving some really good talks about the poses and how they help you. There were two new girls in class and she really guided them well without ignoring or slowing the rest of the class.
I missed Jeremy's because Matt really wanted to take the dogs to the river, and the dogs REALLY needed to get some exercise. He had worked during the day so we were not able to go sooner. It was a nice day, warm, a little breezy. The dogs had a blast and there were no problems other than the usual having-to-call-them-five-hundred-times because SOMEONE does not listen.
Then we saw 300 and since then I have had the goriest nightmares. They are not as much scary as just anxiety-ridden. I wake up and feel frazzled, which is not good.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Parsva Bakasana
Guess who held herself in parsva backasana (side crow)??? Yep me! Cheryl taught last night and I had missed her. I love that she has us at least try these crazy poses, I thought she was insane when I first took her class. But you try... and one day it just fits - and even if you could barely lift a toe at first, this one day you have both knees balancing on your right arm.
She had an awesome class as usual. You genuinely feel like she wants you there. There was a newcomer to the left at me and I saw her frustration. That was me a few months ago, it is amazing how much your body can change, how you can grow so much stronger in such a short time.
She had an awesome class as usual. You genuinely feel like she wants you there. There was a newcomer to the left at me and I saw her frustration. That was me a few months ago, it is amazing how much your body can change, how you can grow so much stronger in such a short time.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Its getting hot in herrre
Yesterday I went to Patrick's bikram class instead of Crystal's vinyasa. I didn't want to be in yoga super late and I knew I would have vinyasa for the next few days again.
I'm not a huge fan of bikram and usually about five minutes into class I am thinking - why the hell did I come to this one - but it does feel good afterwards. Plus, Patrick is awesome. He incorporates so much spirituality and just inspiring thoughts throughout the practice. One of my biggest issues with bikram is that I don't think they usually have that sort of mind-set, for lack of better words. I really felt that absolutely throughout the practice he gave a constant reminder to stay focused, to try harder, to bring your practice to life outside of the mat.
I've been doing the positive thinking, the law of attraction, and overall I feel much happier. However, there are still things in my life that are not very easy right now and having an inspiring class just gives me that much more peace.
Plus, when I walked in, Patrick gave a big smile and said - welcome, beautiful - and it felt so nice to hear that. I needed that.
I'm not a huge fan of bikram and usually about five minutes into class I am thinking - why the hell did I come to this one - but it does feel good afterwards. Plus, Patrick is awesome. He incorporates so much spirituality and just inspiring thoughts throughout the practice. One of my biggest issues with bikram is that I don't think they usually have that sort of mind-set, for lack of better words. I really felt that absolutely throughout the practice he gave a constant reminder to stay focused, to try harder, to bring your practice to life outside of the mat.
I've been doing the positive thinking, the law of attraction, and overall I feel much happier. However, there are still things in my life that are not very easy right now and having an inspiring class just gives me that much more peace.
Plus, when I walked in, Patrick gave a big smile and said - welcome, beautiful - and it felt so nice to hear that. I needed that.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Spring
Last night I returned to yoga for Regina's class. This is becoming my favorite. It is always packed and I have stopped feeling irritated to feeling elated as the energy level is incredible.
Regina is tough. I hadn't been for a few days and I could tell the difference last night. One thing that I love is that she has been starting us in tough poses. We were in turbodog for about five years I believe, then she had us come to dolphin, a pose that HURTS about ten seconds in, but after turbodog it feels like you are maybe flying.
We worked on arm stands and mine were horrible last night. My partner kept pointing out that my elbows are flaring out, and they were. I don't know if it was an off night or if I do this all the time and have not paid attention to their placement.
Regina talked about spring and harnessing your energy, letting go of what you do not need. I almost feel asleep in shivasana for the first time, then left class feeling so much lighter.
Regina is tough. I hadn't been for a few days and I could tell the difference last night. One thing that I love is that she has been starting us in tough poses. We were in turbodog for about five years I believe, then she had us come to dolphin, a pose that HURTS about ten seconds in, but after turbodog it feels like you are maybe flying.
We worked on arm stands and mine were horrible last night. My partner kept pointing out that my elbows are flaring out, and they were. I don't know if it was an off night or if I do this all the time and have not paid attention to their placement.
Regina talked about spring and harnessing your energy, letting go of what you do not need. I almost feel asleep in shivasana for the first time, then left class feeling so much lighter.
Monday, March 26, 2007
My little Mexico
Ben told me about Rancho Liborio a few weeks ago. He texted me that there was a huge Mexican supermarket on Colfax and Havana and that I would love it. I assumed he meant Avanza and was not speaking to him as usual, so I basically just ignored it.
After a brief interlude of talking, he told me this place was better than Whole Foods and that I would love it.
It was fantastic. They had a hot bar with pupusas, tamales, rice beans, enchiladas, everything (except of course fideo that help me God, I will find in this city one day). There was an aisle marked especially for yucca and tons of tostones and plantains.
The only reason that I left after an hour was that I was getting cold and sighted a big old spit of tacos el pastor at Tacos Y Salsas. BEST TACOS EVER. Someday I will get back to Mexico City but this little strip of heaven called Colfax will do nicely for now.
After a brief interlude of talking, he told me this place was better than Whole Foods and that I would love it.
It was fantastic. They had a hot bar with pupusas, tamales, rice beans, enchiladas, everything (except of course fideo that help me God, I will find in this city one day). There was an aisle marked especially for yucca and tons of tostones and plantains.
The only reason that I left after an hour was that I was getting cold and sighted a big old spit of tacos el pastor at Tacos Y Salsas. BEST TACOS EVER. Someday I will get back to Mexico City but this little strip of heaven called Colfax will do nicely for now.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Denver Restaurant - The Lure
Color me impressed. We went to this place on St. Patricks place and I am in love with the menu. Apps ran from $5 to $9 I think, with a huge selection. We were only there for a short time but I ordered the Chevre Haystack, and wow. It was like a lightly fried blintz served with a berry flavored sauce (I was drunk, the detail is just not there :-) but it was richer, softer, and maybe the most impressive app I have had in a long time.
Pat pointed out the owner and I went to let him know and he gave me a card for a free app, which was, well, awesome. I wish we could have stayed longer, really the menu was so interesting. The place was chic but not super snobby, service was great, all around it was great.
Pat pointed out the owner and I went to let him know and he gave me a card for a free app, which was, well, awesome. I wish we could have stayed longer, really the menu was so interesting. The place was chic but not super snobby, service was great, all around it was great.
Monday, March 19, 2007
Again
Ben texted me about fifteen minutes ago. It was something about starting a new life and career and thanking me for my support.
This morning while I was driving into work I realized that it has been a long time since I had cried. I used to cry all the time, but the last time I had done so was when I found out about Ben on Craigslist. I have been happy. There have been times that I felt a bit like crying, when the pain just touches you a bit like a ghost or a fog, but it has not been the severe and deep, dark pain that made me beg to leave this earth. It is harder here, but it does not have to be that hard.
I actually did want to text him back. I don't know what, but it was automatic, a response that would have happened usually. Tonight in class Regina asked us to make a commitment to be present, and to be mindful after class. Don't go home and turn on the tv and settle into autopilot. That was maybe the most timely advice ever in the world. I thought so much about the consequences and what I would get out of contacting him. I have given him so much of myself, so much guidance, so much love, and at this point he needs to help himself.
I ran into John and Lenae from the Boulderado tonight. They both looked wonderful and promised to have me over for drinks. This prompted me to call Nicole, who invited me over for dinner on Wednesday. Scott is out of town and it will be a good chance to catch up and feel normal again. It has been so long since I have had a home-cooked meal, being single I just... don't. Normally that is something that Benjamin and I would do. This timing is proof that God just gave me a big hug.
Cathy wrote me a nice email today. Adrian came to my office to talk about the weekend. Mike B. called to ask if I was ok. He had come into my office right after I had received Ben's email requesting that I return the shovel. I'm sure that I looked green and I know that I was shaking. He told me not to allow him to hurt me anymore. I appreciated the call today so much. It is just overwhelming to know how much support is out there when you need it.
I did have a nice weekend that I want to write about but now I am going to light some candles, pray, read my book and go to bed. I am tired.
This morning while I was driving into work I realized that it has been a long time since I had cried. I used to cry all the time, but the last time I had done so was when I found out about Ben on Craigslist. I have been happy. There have been times that I felt a bit like crying, when the pain just touches you a bit like a ghost or a fog, but it has not been the severe and deep, dark pain that made me beg to leave this earth. It is harder here, but it does not have to be that hard.
I actually did want to text him back. I don't know what, but it was automatic, a response that would have happened usually. Tonight in class Regina asked us to make a commitment to be present, and to be mindful after class. Don't go home and turn on the tv and settle into autopilot. That was maybe the most timely advice ever in the world. I thought so much about the consequences and what I would get out of contacting him. I have given him so much of myself, so much guidance, so much love, and at this point he needs to help himself.
I ran into John and Lenae from the Boulderado tonight. They both looked wonderful and promised to have me over for drinks. This prompted me to call Nicole, who invited me over for dinner on Wednesday. Scott is out of town and it will be a good chance to catch up and feel normal again. It has been so long since I have had a home-cooked meal, being single I just... don't. Normally that is something that Benjamin and I would do. This timing is proof that God just gave me a big hug.
Cathy wrote me a nice email today. Adrian came to my office to talk about the weekend. Mike B. called to ask if I was ok. He had come into my office right after I had received Ben's email requesting that I return the shovel. I'm sure that I looked green and I know that I was shaking. He told me not to allow him to hurt me anymore. I appreciated the call today so much. It is just overwhelming to know how much support is out there when you need it.
I did have a nice weekend that I want to write about but now I am going to light some candles, pray, read my book and go to bed. I am tired.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Funny
Mr. Vincent and I were texting and this is what happened:
V: just leaving apple store, i pod troubles
M: Ur kidding?? Never had problems w mine.
V: My first i pod, on short bus and must wear hockey helmet
He rocks.
In yoga news, I was doing lifted lotus and Cheryl yelled out - wow, good job Melissa. I had completely forgotten that I was never able to do that pose! Plus I am ace-of-basing bakasana (crow). Go core strength!!
Oh, thinking of selling the dogs again. Last night they were outside at 3am howling, because, really - who doesn't want to hear that?! 3am wake-up calls are super popular in my neighborhood. I will probably arrive home to gifts of flowers, wine, and gourmet food. I am so lucky to have two little dogs of wonder, protecting me against such horrors as squirrels and imaginery sounds! So lucky indeed.
V: just leaving apple store, i pod troubles
M: Ur kidding?? Never had problems w mine.
V: My first i pod, on short bus and must wear hockey helmet
He rocks.
In yoga news, I was doing lifted lotus and Cheryl yelled out - wow, good job Melissa. I had completely forgotten that I was never able to do that pose! Plus I am ace-of-basing bakasana (crow). Go core strength!!
Oh, thinking of selling the dogs again. Last night they were outside at 3am howling, because, really - who doesn't want to hear that?! 3am wake-up calls are super popular in my neighborhood. I will probably arrive home to gifts of flowers, wine, and gourmet food. I am so lucky to have two little dogs of wonder, protecting me against such horrors as squirrels and imaginery sounds! So lucky indeed.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Bikram
Today was lovely. I am not being sarcastic in any way, it was a good day. The weather was beautiful, I had a wonderful bikram class, then I headed over to Vincent's house. I met him at Andrews a few weeks ago, he said he was in yoga teacher training and well... how cool. Not many men are in my classes and it was interesting to meet someone who took yoga seriously. He also does not exactly look the part, he looks like an Italian mob guy. :-)
I had a good time. I had another view of normal. He is Catholic, had crosses and saints on a bookshelf and had given up beef and pork for lent. He had a million books - Dean Koontz, wilderness, you name it. He had a picture of delicate arch and leads rafting tours in the summer. He has a beautiful huge dog named yeti who he obviously cares very much for. I had a good time.
Cathy and I are going to have breakfast at Lucilles on Saturday and that is the biggest thing in forever that I am looking forward too. I miss breakfast. Mike and I would go for breakfast, Benjamin and I would go for breakfast. I love going for breakfast but it not usually a meal that I crave. If dad is cooking sourdough pancakes or eggs hussard, that is a different story, but for the most part I just don't crave it. I would rather wait and treat myself to lunch or dinner when I am awake and have makeup on and am just out there.
For some reason lately I have had the biggest craving for breakfast ever. I want eggs and pancakes and biscuits and anything resembling morning food. I've had an english muffin at work but is not the same. There is something about going out for breakfast, for coffee, juice, fresh eggs. I don't know, but I miss it and having breakfast with Cathy made the most sense in the world. Her invitation came at a perfect time and is proof that there is something greater.
Godspeed to fresh jam, biscuits and eggs sardou or whatever sounds good at the time. :-)
I had a good time. I had another view of normal. He is Catholic, had crosses and saints on a bookshelf and had given up beef and pork for lent. He had a million books - Dean Koontz, wilderness, you name it. He had a picture of delicate arch and leads rafting tours in the summer. He has a beautiful huge dog named yeti who he obviously cares very much for. I had a good time.
Cathy and I are going to have breakfast at Lucilles on Saturday and that is the biggest thing in forever that I am looking forward too. I miss breakfast. Mike and I would go for breakfast, Benjamin and I would go for breakfast. I love going for breakfast but it not usually a meal that I crave. If dad is cooking sourdough pancakes or eggs hussard, that is a different story, but for the most part I just don't crave it. I would rather wait and treat myself to lunch or dinner when I am awake and have makeup on and am just out there.
For some reason lately I have had the biggest craving for breakfast ever. I want eggs and pancakes and biscuits and anything resembling morning food. I've had an english muffin at work but is not the same. There is something about going out for breakfast, for coffee, juice, fresh eggs. I don't know, but I miss it and having breakfast with Cathy made the most sense in the world. Her invitation came at a perfect time and is proof that there is something greater.
Godspeed to fresh jam, biscuits and eggs sardou or whatever sounds good at the time. :-)
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Leah
Leah taught today as Cheryl was helping Ana Forrest. I talked to Charles and Sam and plan on going to the Thursday night class next week. Lara teaches it and it is supposed to be wonderful.
Leah was much easier than Cheryl, but she did have some nice dialogue. She said that the universe created us, and if we are mistreating ourselves, if we do not love ourselves, then it is like giving the universe the finger. I like that.
Leah was much easier than Cheryl, but she did have some nice dialogue. She said that the universe created us, and if we are mistreating ourselves, if we do not love ourselves, then it is like giving the universe the finger. I like that.
Friday, March 9, 2007
Friday
Today is beautiful out, sunny and warm. I feel good, I woke up feeling good. Mike has thrown a ton of work at me but he is good about runninger interference with additional work. Rex keeps asking me if it would be a big deal to do this, that, etc. - I think Mike told him to watch what he is giving me. Either way, the sun is shining, the weekend looks beautiful and I am happy to be busy. Most likely I will not get out of here in time to make Bikram, but my classes on Saturday and Sunday are long enough.
Thursday, March 8, 2007
March 8
Today seemed lost. It was cloudy in this wierd heavy way that mixed with all of the pollution. I was so vibrant yesterday, reconnecting with an old friend that in a small but deep and wonderful way has affected my life. Today I feel like I am sleep-walking. It is harder for me to focus and to think positively. I've decided to hold off on finishing "The Kite Runner" as I think I need something a little lighter at this time. I feel sad. I feel missing, if that makes sense.
I think this weekend it is supposed to be sunny and nice, I hope that deep in my heart my energy will become lighter and lead me further.
I think this weekend it is supposed to be sunny and nice, I hope that deep in my heart my energy will become lighter and lead me further.
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
Today
Last night I had a jivamukti class with the jivadiva, Alanna Kaivalya. She had an amazing presence. She was tan and beautiful with a triangular necklace similar to my own. I hope to get the same positive energy that radiated from her.
The class was intense. It was a series of vinyasas interlaced with thoughts and comments on spirituality, on our intentions. She said that there is no sanskrit word for regret. That we might not be on the path that we thought we would take, but we are here. We are in this wonderful class together and everything, good and bad, that has taken us here is divine.
We did wheel pose (backbend - I won't even try to pretend I know the sanskrit name) three times. Wheel pose causes me tremendous anxiety. Everytime I go up I am scared I won't be able to do it. Half the time my shoulders are pinched. Cheryl thinks I should move my hands closer together, Chrystal thinks the opposite. Either way it is not my favorite. The first time I made it up. The second time we were to do it for a loved one and I chose mom. This time I felt so much emotion and energy moving through the pose. I sprang up and was higher and more vibrant than ever before. The third time was for someone that "challenges" us. I chose Ben of course. We were instructed through the pose to let it go. Whatever beef you have with that person is yours alone, and that is true. I am holding on to this pain and betrayal and it is not helping anyone. I again lifted higher than before and focused on releasing that part of my life.
I am doing much better. I rarely think of the pain, I rarely think of him, of our relationship, but for some reason in savasana I almost started crying. I felt so sad for this beautiful spirit inside of myself and how I had allowed it to be hurt once again. I felt like I was looking at myself from above.
When I told Cheryl that I was hurting she said that it is too bad, that it is frustrating to be so hurt when you are just trying to help and love someone. It resonated so deep because I was trying. I was trying to bring him back to himself.
I don't think he is an evil person, I don't think anyone is capable of being and evil person. I believe we are all part of God. It is when you forget this, when you forget what is true and good you must create pain to give yourself a point of reference. I think he has very much forgotten his true self. I don't know when and if he will ever remember that in this lifetime, but I have done all that I can to help.
A few months ago I had a dream that he led me into this dark and evil forest. I think that was a preview of what was to come as opposed to a warning. His actions wounded me so deeply that I threw myself into yoga. He put me into this studio and it is here that I am following my true path. Last night I meditated on coming out of that forest and back into the light, to the beauty and love. I meditated on coming home.
The class was intense. It was a series of vinyasas interlaced with thoughts and comments on spirituality, on our intentions. She said that there is no sanskrit word for regret. That we might not be on the path that we thought we would take, but we are here. We are in this wonderful class together and everything, good and bad, that has taken us here is divine.
We did wheel pose (backbend - I won't even try to pretend I know the sanskrit name) three times. Wheel pose causes me tremendous anxiety. Everytime I go up I am scared I won't be able to do it. Half the time my shoulders are pinched. Cheryl thinks I should move my hands closer together, Chrystal thinks the opposite. Either way it is not my favorite. The first time I made it up. The second time we were to do it for a loved one and I chose mom. This time I felt so much emotion and energy moving through the pose. I sprang up and was higher and more vibrant than ever before. The third time was for someone that "challenges" us. I chose Ben of course. We were instructed through the pose to let it go. Whatever beef you have with that person is yours alone, and that is true. I am holding on to this pain and betrayal and it is not helping anyone. I again lifted higher than before and focused on releasing that part of my life.
I am doing much better. I rarely think of the pain, I rarely think of him, of our relationship, but for some reason in savasana I almost started crying. I felt so sad for this beautiful spirit inside of myself and how I had allowed it to be hurt once again. I felt like I was looking at myself from above.
When I told Cheryl that I was hurting she said that it is too bad, that it is frustrating to be so hurt when you are just trying to help and love someone. It resonated so deep because I was trying. I was trying to bring him back to himself.
I don't think he is an evil person, I don't think anyone is capable of being and evil person. I believe we are all part of God. It is when you forget this, when you forget what is true and good you must create pain to give yourself a point of reference. I think he has very much forgotten his true self. I don't know when and if he will ever remember that in this lifetime, but I have done all that I can to help.
A few months ago I had a dream that he led me into this dark and evil forest. I think that was a preview of what was to come as opposed to a warning. His actions wounded me so deeply that I threw myself into yoga. He put me into this studio and it is here that I am following my true path. Last night I meditated on coming out of that forest and back into the light, to the beauty and love. I meditated on coming home.
Monday, March 5, 2007
Denver Restaurant Review - Cherry Cricket
Well, I have a new obsession and it is dangerously close to Yoga Energi. The name of this fiend is the Cherry Crickett.
On Saturday I had a burger after class and it was by far the best burger ever. Ever. I sat at a table near the front and read my book. I was ok to be alone, happy to be reading. My waitress was very kind and quick and lovely.
The menu is long and varied, but the big thing is that the burgers come ala-carte. I ordered a small cricket burger with avocado and pepper jack cheese along with an order of beans and rice.
The burger rocked. They grill the bun and it was the perfect size, big but not overpowering. Everything was the perfect ratio and hit the spot. The beans and rice also rocked. I was pretty surprised. They were both very flavorful, better than most Mexican restaurants. The Cherry Cricket also serves drinks in big glasses. Small glasses are my biggest pet peeve, I don't care how cool it looks, it sucks for staff and customers.
I went back between classes on Sunday and had another burger, same way. I was seated in a booth and they were BUSY. I then watched as my poor waitress was quadruple sat with large parties. She never once broke her stride, she never once lost her smile. I watched how the restuarant handled the situation and it was perfect. Other waitresses helped with drinks, the manager came around to talk to everyone but was still helping the staff and keeping an eye on tables. If only every restaurant could handle a busy situation this way...
I complimented the waitress and the manager and then promptly left my yoga pants and book at the table. Apparently the inversions had also energized the stupidity area of my brain.
On Saturday I had a burger after class and it was by far the best burger ever. Ever. I sat at a table near the front and read my book. I was ok to be alone, happy to be reading. My waitress was very kind and quick and lovely.
The menu is long and varied, but the big thing is that the burgers come ala-carte. I ordered a small cricket burger with avocado and pepper jack cheese along with an order of beans and rice.
The burger rocked. They grill the bun and it was the perfect size, big but not overpowering. Everything was the perfect ratio and hit the spot. The beans and rice also rocked. I was pretty surprised. They were both very flavorful, better than most Mexican restaurants. The Cherry Cricket also serves drinks in big glasses. Small glasses are my biggest pet peeve, I don't care how cool it looks, it sucks for staff and customers.
I went back between classes on Sunday and had another burger, same way. I was seated in a booth and they were BUSY. I then watched as my poor waitress was quadruple sat with large parties. She never once broke her stride, she never once lost her smile. I watched how the restuarant handled the situation and it was perfect. Other waitresses helped with drinks, the manager came around to talk to everyone but was still helping the staff and keeping an eye on tables. If only every restaurant could handle a busy situation this way...
I complimented the waitress and the manager and then promptly left my yoga pants and book at the table. Apparently the inversions had also energized the stupidity area of my brain.
Inversions
Yesterday I had a three hour workshop on inversions with Cheryl and Lara. I felt a little off, maybe because I haven't been practicing as much last week, maybe my techni-colored toe, who knows, maybe because my life was so shaken up lately, but when I arrived and started I was not doing well.
Cheryl and Lara are amazing. Both watched and assisted when I was out of alignment (which was often). Both were gentle and encouraging and I left class feeling happy. Afterwards I went to get a burger at the Cherry Cricket, and once I sat down I realized how different I felt.
My body felt completely energized and tingly. I was full of light and joy and could feel the energy just pulsing through my body. The only other time I have felt this way is after my first bikram class.
The Secret was being shown at the studio and it was a very very good movie. It makes sense. I can see how I have been attracting the good and the bad in my life. I am going to start using the techniques and pray and meditate for strength and love. The movie was long and I started getting very antsy, I could still feel the energy and I wanted to leave, I wanted gelato, I wanted to move and flip up into a handstand. A man named Kevin led the class and it sounds like a good idea, but I think I am going to continue going to Jeremy's hour of power instead of the new class. I saw some friends leaving his class and I desperately wanted to be there.
Last night was a either the full moon or something very close to it and I felt it's strength. I meditated on all of the positive things that I want in my life, all of the changes, all of the beauty.
Cheryl and Lara are amazing. Both watched and assisted when I was out of alignment (which was often). Both were gentle and encouraging and I left class feeling happy. Afterwards I went to get a burger at the Cherry Cricket, and once I sat down I realized how different I felt.
My body felt completely energized and tingly. I was full of light and joy and could feel the energy just pulsing through my body. The only other time I have felt this way is after my first bikram class.
The Secret was being shown at the studio and it was a very very good movie. It makes sense. I can see how I have been attracting the good and the bad in my life. I am going to start using the techniques and pray and meditate for strength and love. The movie was long and I started getting very antsy, I could still feel the energy and I wanted to leave, I wanted gelato, I wanted to move and flip up into a handstand. A man named Kevin led the class and it sounds like a good idea, but I think I am going to continue going to Jeremy's hour of power instead of the new class. I saw some friends leaving his class and I desperately wanted to be there.
Last night was a either the full moon or something very close to it and I felt it's strength. I meditated on all of the positive things that I want in my life, all of the changes, all of the beauty.
Sunday, March 4, 2007
Sunday Love
Today I am grateful for:
My sister, Jeff and Pat for showing me there are good people in this world.
Jeff and Pat for treating me to much needed drinks and food.
Yoga Energi for making my neighborhood safe again.
My mom for making me laugh about all the movies she has and has never watched.
The warm sun.
My dad for making me laugh about the confusion of cell phones.
My ipod for the music that comforts me and brings me love.
My fat little dogs who prevented me from eating a bag of sardettos by helping themself to said bag. :-)
The many activities that have arrived in my life to keep me busy.
My sister, Jeff and Pat for showing me there are good people in this world.
Jeff and Pat for treating me to much needed drinks and food.
Yoga Energi for making my neighborhood safe again.
My mom for making me laugh about all the movies she has and has never watched.
The warm sun.
My dad for making me laugh about the confusion of cell phones.
My ipod for the music that comforts me and brings me love.
My fat little dogs who prevented me from eating a bag of sardettos by helping themself to said bag. :-)
The many activities that have arrived in my life to keep me busy.
Saturday, March 3, 2007
Craigslist
I looked through the responses that I received when I posted my fake ad, and wow. Just wow. Some of them of course are just single guys but there were so many that were married or had girlfriends and needed to be discreet. Those poor women, what in the hell is wrong with this world?
Tomorrow I am going to Cheryl's workshop on inversions. She is so kind, she gave me a hug today and I told her I just had a really hard time with an ex. She said I looked different, I started to thank her and realized it was probably not different in a good way. I was pretty shakey and my eyes were puffy and red. She stopped during class to ask a few times if I was ok. It will be a good place for me to be tomorrow.
After class I was changing and someone accidently dropped a bottle of water on my little toes and it hurt so much, I had to work hard to keep from crying. I did not want her to feel bad. Of course after I left I started bawling and all of my sadness and pain came flooding over me like a wave. It was a cleansing cry and part of the process of healing. My toes however were bleeding and are now twice their size.
Tomorrow night they have the screening of "The Secret" and a new class, so my day will be booked in goodness and health, not this horrifying world of NSA sex and cheating and lying and crying until I fall asleep. Godspeed to better days and healthy toes.
Tomorrow I am going to Cheryl's workshop on inversions. She is so kind, she gave me a hug today and I told her I just had a really hard time with an ex. She said I looked different, I started to thank her and realized it was probably not different in a good way. I was pretty shakey and my eyes were puffy and red. She stopped during class to ask a few times if I was ok. It will be a good place for me to be tomorrow.
After class I was changing and someone accidently dropped a bottle of water on my little toes and it hurt so much, I had to work hard to keep from crying. I did not want her to feel bad. Of course after I left I started bawling and all of my sadness and pain came flooding over me like a wave. It was a cleansing cry and part of the process of healing. My toes however were bleeding and are now twice their size.
Tomorrow night they have the screening of "The Secret" and a new class, so my day will be booked in goodness and health, not this horrifying world of NSA sex and cheating and lying and crying until I fall asleep. Godspeed to better days and healthy toes.
Today
He just dropped off my earrings, movie and a gift card from Anthropoligie. I ran to the back of the house when I saw him and the dogs howled until he drove away. I feel so small and sad and alone. I miss my mom. It is time to get a therapist.
Yoga is coming up soon, two hours today. I miss the comfort of Cheryl and Regina. I'm scared I will start crying during class. Tomorrow day they have a class on inversions but it costs extra and I'm not sure I want to pay that. Tomorrow night they have a special showing of "The Secret" and a new class that focuses on intentional yoga. The timing is a blessing from God. We were supposed to watch it last weekend and did not have the time.
Yoga is coming up soon, two hours today. I miss the comfort of Cheryl and Regina. I'm scared I will start crying during class. Tomorrow day they have a class on inversions but it costs extra and I'm not sure I want to pay that. Tomorrow night they have a special showing of "The Secret" and a new class that focuses on intentional yoga. The timing is a blessing from God. We were supposed to watch it last weekend and did not have the time.
Friday, March 2, 2007
Sick
I feel sick. Sick to my stomach, just sick in general. This day has been a haze of sick and I wish it were tomorrow. I wish I had never met him. I wish I had never been this completely torn apart by him.
There is some relief that it is over but it is kinda overshadowed by my need to vomit.
There is some relief that it is over but it is kinda overshadowed by my need to vomit.
Thursday, March 1, 2007
Evening
It is over again. A short reprieve I guess.
I want to read, to do my puzzle to fall asleep with Gussie warming my feet and Rocky's little body spooned against me in comfort. It is nice to wake up in your own bed. I love his bed though. Damn that bed.
Last night I felt so horrible. He never complimented me. He did not ask my questions about my life. No wonder we watch so much tv together. He doesn't care and I am scared to ask. We talked about owning a restaurant and hell yes he is obnoxious. I know that is number one of his list of how to get girls in bed. The mean "get out" at the sidewalk and just not caring. He would not do that to Christina, to Brande, to the lawyer. I almost walked home. Why am I treating myself this way? Why did I not leave? My dreams were bad, I dreamed that Ben was watching a video of Mike and I, and that I was trying to help a boy and could not do so.
I looked nice last night, I was so excited, and it just exploded into sadness. I am worried now, I am worried that every time I have that much bottled happiness, that it turns so quickly into sorrow. I am tired. I vacuumed, I cleaned. I feel so lost and left behind. Life hurts.
I want to read, to do my puzzle to fall asleep with Gussie warming my feet and Rocky's little body spooned against me in comfort. It is nice to wake up in your own bed. I love his bed though. Damn that bed.
Last night I felt so horrible. He never complimented me. He did not ask my questions about my life. No wonder we watch so much tv together. He doesn't care and I am scared to ask. We talked about owning a restaurant and hell yes he is obnoxious. I know that is number one of his list of how to get girls in bed. The mean "get out" at the sidewalk and just not caring. He would not do that to Christina, to Brande, to the lawyer. I almost walked home. Why am I treating myself this way? Why did I not leave? My dreams were bad, I dreamed that Ben was watching a video of Mike and I, and that I was trying to help a boy and could not do so.
I looked nice last night, I was so excited, and it just exploded into sadness. I am worried now, I am worried that every time I have that much bottled happiness, that it turns so quickly into sorrow. I am tired. I vacuumed, I cleaned. I feel so lost and left behind. Life hurts.
My ladies
Let's see... Two of my favorite chefs are women. Monica Patino of Cafe MP is amazing. She is in her fifties and looks twenty. She moves fluidly and just in watching her you know she is grounded and safe. She is a big reason that I got into yoga and Buddism. I wanted to feel the way she looked. Ben and I were invited back to her house by her son. He was getting married the next day and having a small party that night. It was heaven, it felt like love. Her house was eclectic and beautiful and comfortable. She had made some sort of flank steak and every thing seemed exotic and pure.
Jennifer Jasinski is a local chef and owner of Rioja, my very favorite restaurant in Denver. She is also beautiful but I have never met her in person. In her photos she looks proud, she looks like she knows that she fought hard and earned her respect. Her pasta is sublime. I like that she has small sizes available at Rioja. I love the different breads and the hand made mozzerella. She also went through a divorce last year. It makes me feel as though I am not so much alone. There are other women, amazing women, who have had this same awful experience.
At Cafe MP I had the duck tacos and I will never in my life forget their taste. At Rioja I had the duck ravioli and still dream about it. Funny how these women, worlds apart, used that ingredient for the very very different dishes. I do love duck, but I am not always wowed by it. In fact after these two preparations I am usually disappointed in duck any other way.
Jennifer Jasinski is a local chef and owner of Rioja, my very favorite restaurant in Denver. She is also beautiful but I have never met her in person. In her photos she looks proud, she looks like she knows that she fought hard and earned her respect. Her pasta is sublime. I like that she has small sizes available at Rioja. I love the different breads and the hand made mozzerella. She also went through a divorce last year. It makes me feel as though I am not so much alone. There are other women, amazing women, who have had this same awful experience.
At Cafe MP I had the duck tacos and I will never in my life forget their taste. At Rioja I had the duck ravioli and still dream about it. Funny how these women, worlds apart, used that ingredient for the very very different dishes. I do love duck, but I am not always wowed by it. In fact after these two preparations I am usually disappointed in duck any other way.
Random
Ok, so I did return one text that he sent regarding OCH but nothing more. I feel disconnected today, scatter-brained and anxious, like I was crossing the street and almost got hit by a car. I can't wait to go home and see my angry little masses of hate. Maybe they will cheer up after a walk. Maybe I will feel better after a walk.
Solera - Denver Restaurant Week
Well Benjamin has weasled his way back into my life. I don't know how but in a flurry of emails on Friday we were all of a sudden friends again. I left for Steamboat that night and had a wonderful weekend with sweet Kathy and David. The snow was beautiful and it was nice to get away for awhile.
Ben had promised to make reservations for Denver Restaurant Week and waited until the last minute, getting us in at 8:30 on Thursday at Rioja. Rioja is my favorite, I love the food and I love that the chef is a woman. We decided to try for an earlier time on Wednesday and he suggested Solera. It was booked on opentable and I called around noon, leaving a message, to see if they had any cancellations.
My first impression of Solera was in the form of a gracious and kind return call. There was a 7:30 cancellation and he would hold it for us. I called immediately to thank him and he was very polite and welcoming - in a very cool, we're-happy-to-have-you way. That was impressive to me. I'm excited to try new places and when the restaurant staff is excited about new customers, then it makes the experience so much richer.
Since I am obsessive compulsive and obsessive in general about restaurants, I spent a good deal of time looking for reviews and trying to decide what to order from the 5280 menu. I liked that Solera was on Colfax. It wasn't in the trendier areas. For some reason this gave it more cred to me. I like that the chefs name is "Goose" Sorenson. I love that the first contact with the restaurant had been positive. I was completely giddy with excitement and maybe it was something in the air or maybe I should get out more. Ben was excited, which makes it fun too, he even wanted to order foie gras in addition to the special menu.
Ben picked me up and we valeted at the restaurant. Upon entering the matre'd (sp) greeted us graciously and took our jackets. We were shown to our table, a little two top, and given menus, etc. Our waiter was nice, we ordered a glass of chardonnay each. Mine was ok, Ben did not, well, love his, but we had better luck with the reds.
We asked about the foie gras and the waiter was very gracious about it, but they were not serving the regular menu at all. Ben was disappointed, I guess I was too but I can understand why they chose to do it that way.
Ben had the ceasar for the first course and cleaned his plate completely. I had the calamari with peanuts. Now, let me sidetrack for a bit on calamari. I was a big fan when it first started appearing everywhere and most likely that had to do with the love of fried things combined with the fact that it was a fishlike - so the guilt is lessened. It was new and sounded exotic. Then... after a few too many rubbery orders and tasting an actual calamari steak at Jax, I was disenchanted.
However, Solera was serving their calamari thai style with peanuts. Peanuts are love to me so I ordered it. The calamari was wonderful. The sauce was sweet but drizzled lightly enough that it did not feel like you were eating a plate of candy for an app. The calamari itself was very tender. It was, hands down, the best calamari that I have eaten.
We both ordered the flat iron steak and gorgonzola potatoes. Again they were wonderful dishes. I had read a review on the mashed potatoes at Solera and they did not disappoint. Whatever sauce was on the steak was wonderful, my jacket smells like it and I craved it this morning. The leftovers are in Ben's fridge at his house, along with my earrings and my movie and I want them without him.
We ordered the bread pudding. I loved the caramel sauce. Ben thought it had been sitting under the hot lights for awhile but I disagreed. The berries were fresh and cool and my plate didn't seem hot.
So, in a nutshell, I will be returning. Unfortunately with my huge budget I don't think I will be able to justify ordering the foie gras, but maybe if my parents come into town we can try it. I remember my dad's first taste of foie gras and fascination ever since. When you first try it it is amazing. My first was from John Platt at Q's in the Boulderado. Oh. My. God. It tasted a bit like butter but meaty and rich and wow. Chris Douglas at Tula had a wonderful presentation recently where they paired it with toasted bread and something berry-like. It was simple and reminded me of a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich but with such more sofistication and taste.
Restaurant week can be a weird time. I understand the draw of it but sometimes it backfires in the form of frenzied staff, smaller portions and food that is not created with love. Solera pulled it off.
After dinner we rented Babel and drove to Ben's. He then, barked, at me to get out of the car at the sidewalk. It went downhill from there. I need therapy. I need yoga. I need to get a clue. He called earlier and just txted me. I haven't responded yet. I am going to get through the next hour without responding. One day at a time, one hour, one minute. It is my own little BA program.
Then when I returned home this morning I found batteries and dirt clumps on the floor. Apparantly my little angels were not happy about the sleepover. The batteries were in a package on the kitchen table, so my bendy darling Rocky must have swiped them. I just cannot figure out the dirt clumps. Maybe they dragged a toy in from outside, who knows. They were huddled together, alternately staring and playing with a ball. My dogs have to play ball with themselves, how pathetic. When I left I was out of their bones so I gave them a do-si-do cookie. My official nomination of bad dog mom of the year should be arriving in the mail anytime now.
Ben had promised to make reservations for Denver Restaurant Week and waited until the last minute, getting us in at 8:30 on Thursday at Rioja. Rioja is my favorite, I love the food and I love that the chef is a woman. We decided to try for an earlier time on Wednesday and he suggested Solera. It was booked on opentable and I called around noon, leaving a message, to see if they had any cancellations.
My first impression of Solera was in the form of a gracious and kind return call. There was a 7:30 cancellation and he would hold it for us. I called immediately to thank him and he was very polite and welcoming - in a very cool, we're-happy-to-have-you way. That was impressive to me. I'm excited to try new places and when the restaurant staff is excited about new customers, then it makes the experience so much richer.
Since I am obsessive compulsive and obsessive in general about restaurants, I spent a good deal of time looking for reviews and trying to decide what to order from the 5280 menu. I liked that Solera was on Colfax. It wasn't in the trendier areas. For some reason this gave it more cred to me. I like that the chefs name is "Goose" Sorenson. I love that the first contact with the restaurant had been positive. I was completely giddy with excitement and maybe it was something in the air or maybe I should get out more. Ben was excited, which makes it fun too, he even wanted to order foie gras in addition to the special menu.
Ben picked me up and we valeted at the restaurant. Upon entering the matre'd (sp) greeted us graciously and took our jackets. We were shown to our table, a little two top, and given menus, etc. Our waiter was nice, we ordered a glass of chardonnay each. Mine was ok, Ben did not, well, love his, but we had better luck with the reds.
We asked about the foie gras and the waiter was very gracious about it, but they were not serving the regular menu at all. Ben was disappointed, I guess I was too but I can understand why they chose to do it that way.
Ben had the ceasar for the first course and cleaned his plate completely. I had the calamari with peanuts. Now, let me sidetrack for a bit on calamari. I was a big fan when it first started appearing everywhere and most likely that had to do with the love of fried things combined with the fact that it was a fishlike - so the guilt is lessened. It was new and sounded exotic. Then... after a few too many rubbery orders and tasting an actual calamari steak at Jax, I was disenchanted.
However, Solera was serving their calamari thai style with peanuts. Peanuts are love to me so I ordered it. The calamari was wonderful. The sauce was sweet but drizzled lightly enough that it did not feel like you were eating a plate of candy for an app. The calamari itself was very tender. It was, hands down, the best calamari that I have eaten.
We both ordered the flat iron steak and gorgonzola potatoes. Again they were wonderful dishes. I had read a review on the mashed potatoes at Solera and they did not disappoint. Whatever sauce was on the steak was wonderful, my jacket smells like it and I craved it this morning. The leftovers are in Ben's fridge at his house, along with my earrings and my movie and I want them without him.
We ordered the bread pudding. I loved the caramel sauce. Ben thought it had been sitting under the hot lights for awhile but I disagreed. The berries were fresh and cool and my plate didn't seem hot.
So, in a nutshell, I will be returning. Unfortunately with my huge budget I don't think I will be able to justify ordering the foie gras, but maybe if my parents come into town we can try it. I remember my dad's first taste of foie gras and fascination ever since. When you first try it it is amazing. My first was from John Platt at Q's in the Boulderado. Oh. My. God. It tasted a bit like butter but meaty and rich and wow. Chris Douglas at Tula had a wonderful presentation recently where they paired it with toasted bread and something berry-like. It was simple and reminded me of a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich but with such more sofistication and taste.
Restaurant week can be a weird time. I understand the draw of it but sometimes it backfires in the form of frenzied staff, smaller portions and food that is not created with love. Solera pulled it off.
After dinner we rented Babel and drove to Ben's. He then, barked, at me to get out of the car at the sidewalk. It went downhill from there. I need therapy. I need yoga. I need to get a clue. He called earlier and just txted me. I haven't responded yet. I am going to get through the next hour without responding. One day at a time, one hour, one minute. It is my own little BA program.
Then when I returned home this morning I found batteries and dirt clumps on the floor. Apparantly my little angels were not happy about the sleepover. The batteries were in a package on the kitchen table, so my bendy darling Rocky must have swiped them. I just cannot figure out the dirt clumps. Maybe they dragged a toy in from outside, who knows. They were huddled together, alternately staring and playing with a ball. My dogs have to play ball with themselves, how pathetic. When I left I was out of their bones so I gave them a do-si-do cookie. My official nomination of bad dog mom of the year should be arriving in the mail anytime now.
Friday, February 23, 2007
He Ma Durga!!
Finally finally I am out of the funk. On Wednesday I had class with Cheryl and she of course is amazing. My postures felt stronger, I felt like I was getting somewhere.
I also felt really really sick and realized I had not been eating. Umm at all really. My jeans are pretty loose and I look quite a bit thinner, which is always fantastice but the whole I'm-going-to-throw-up-and-pass-out thing is a real buzzkill. I'm not trying to not eat, it is just that once you start not eating much, you don't get hungry. I know this does not make sense probably because my body is now eating my brain for fuel. :-)
Crystal told us about Donna De Lory one night - she is coming to Colorado for some concerts. I downloaded her song "He Ma Durga" and oh. my. God. It is so amazing and incredible. Listening to it made me feel lighter, stronger, it was this immediate change. I am hooked, addicted and in love.
Durga is my protector right now and I am trying to feel her through myself. Ben called a couple of times and I did not call or email back. This morning I said out loud - wow, he is an asshole- and lo and behold - a truck with 333 passed by. My confirmation!
Anyways, I am happy, and need to get work done so that I can head to Steamboat and see the very coolest person in this state - Ms. Watson.
I also felt really really sick and realized I had not been eating. Umm at all really. My jeans are pretty loose and I look quite a bit thinner, which is always fantastice but the whole I'm-going-to-throw-up-and-pass-out thing is a real buzzkill. I'm not trying to not eat, it is just that once you start not eating much, you don't get hungry. I know this does not make sense probably because my body is now eating my brain for fuel. :-)
Crystal told us about Donna De Lory one night - she is coming to Colorado for some concerts. I downloaded her song "He Ma Durga" and oh. my. God. It is so amazing and incredible. Listening to it made me feel lighter, stronger, it was this immediate change. I am hooked, addicted and in love.
Durga is my protector right now and I am trying to feel her through myself. Ben called a couple of times and I did not call or email back. This morning I said out loud - wow, he is an asshole- and lo and behold - a truck with 333 passed by. My confirmation!
Anyways, I am happy, and need to get work done so that I can head to Steamboat and see the very coolest person in this state - Ms. Watson.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Help
Well my little burst of power didn't last long. The email bounced back and I just got a txt telling me to call if I want and lets go to restaurant week next week. I'm not going to resend the email but I'm not going to talk to him. That is it. That is my intention for the rest of the day. I am a nightmare.
Tuesday
Last night I had the best vinyasa class with Regina. She worked the hips and legs and it just felt great. She took the time to help with a few postures and I appreciated that.
Ben had been texting me for the past two days and I didn't respond. After class I sent him an email explaining that I felt things were wierd between us and in addition he was probably dating, so that is why I am not responding.
He wrote back that he would try to figure things out and we would get our friendship back. Then he said he did reconnect briefly with someone but they are just friends now.
It hurt me, I don't know why, but I sent a pretty nasty email back to him. In my defense, I never should have ever talked to him again after our last fight. I don't know why I did, but I think the reconnect probably snapped me out of the nice mode. It made me realize that if we become friends again it is going to be another painful game.
Mark came in to GMI and was telling me that his daughter moved in with this guy that cheated on her, and he was devastated and did not understand why she would do that to herself. Maybe it is all coming back together to give me clarity. I'm trying to look at myself as someone's friend, someone's daughter - what would I say to myself (and why can't I believe it coming from me?). If Kathy had told me any of this, I would have given her an hour long lecture on how she is worth more, he is scum, all the usual rally cries. After everything he has done, there is no friendship, there is nothing. I used that emotion in my response. I told him there was nothing to figure out, no friendship and that I appreciated being used as his guinea pig for playing evil.
Tonight I have Crystal's class, then tomorrow I have Cheryl and then this weekend I am going to Steamboat. Last night Regina talked about being thankful for what we have. This weekend I learned I will be getting some extra money from taxes, I am so very thankful. I am thankful that I have this incredible friend who lives in an incredible place to visit. Kathy has helped me in so many ways, I love her dearly. I am thankful for my family, for Cathy reaching out to invite me to do things. I am thankful for the weekend spent in Estes and seeing my parents relax.
I am thankful for my practice at this time. It has kept me busy, it has cleared some emotional damage and it has strengthened me physically. It has become a safe harbor in a place that originally was tied in so many ways to Benjamin.
Last night I walked the dogs and went a different route. I passed a church that was in session, they were singing a song that I did not recognize. I started crying, then prayed for help, from everyone. With the latest Benjamin nonsense I am a bit shakey, somewhat in tears, but I am taking a leap of faith and finally cutting it off. This has gone on for far too long.
Ben had been texting me for the past two days and I didn't respond. After class I sent him an email explaining that I felt things were wierd between us and in addition he was probably dating, so that is why I am not responding.
He wrote back that he would try to figure things out and we would get our friendship back. Then he said he did reconnect briefly with someone but they are just friends now.
It hurt me, I don't know why, but I sent a pretty nasty email back to him. In my defense, I never should have ever talked to him again after our last fight. I don't know why I did, but I think the reconnect probably snapped me out of the nice mode. It made me realize that if we become friends again it is going to be another painful game.
Mark came in to GMI and was telling me that his daughter moved in with this guy that cheated on her, and he was devastated and did not understand why she would do that to herself. Maybe it is all coming back together to give me clarity. I'm trying to look at myself as someone's friend, someone's daughter - what would I say to myself (and why can't I believe it coming from me?). If Kathy had told me any of this, I would have given her an hour long lecture on how she is worth more, he is scum, all the usual rally cries. After everything he has done, there is no friendship, there is nothing. I used that emotion in my response. I told him there was nothing to figure out, no friendship and that I appreciated being used as his guinea pig for playing evil.
Tonight I have Crystal's class, then tomorrow I have Cheryl and then this weekend I am going to Steamboat. Last night Regina talked about being thankful for what we have. This weekend I learned I will be getting some extra money from taxes, I am so very thankful. I am thankful that I have this incredible friend who lives in an incredible place to visit. Kathy has helped me in so many ways, I love her dearly. I am thankful for my family, for Cathy reaching out to invite me to do things. I am thankful for the weekend spent in Estes and seeing my parents relax.
I am thankful for my practice at this time. It has kept me busy, it has cleared some emotional damage and it has strengthened me physically. It has become a safe harbor in a place that originally was tied in so many ways to Benjamin.
Last night I walked the dogs and went a different route. I passed a church that was in session, they were singing a song that I did not recognize. I started crying, then prayed for help, from everyone. With the latest Benjamin nonsense I am a bit shakey, somewhat in tears, but I am taking a leap of faith and finally cutting it off. This has gone on for far too long.
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Saturday
Saturday night and a puzzle again. Yes, I am a nerd. Cathy and Jeff did not go to the condo and actually I am grateful. I attended a bikram class againg this morning - forgoing my usual vinyasa in order to get out early.
When I am in bikram it feels like a wierd psychotic gym class. You move in sync, there are pauses in between, but everything is pre-planned and I just don't like going to yoga to feel like a robot. On the other hand, I did feel so calm and positive last night, so I figured it must have opened something in my body.
This morning I realized how much I missed my vinyasa - the diversity and spiritual connection that is placed in every class. I missed seeing Cheryl. When I called on Vday to let her know I was going to be late, and if that was a problem I won't come - she said - This is Cheryl and I WANT you to come! For someone without a valentine, that rocked. :-) I missed doing Adho Mukha Svavasana (downward dog) and even Eka Pada Rajakapotasana (king pidgeon), a tricky but beautiful pose.
It was warmer today, I finished "The Island of the Secret Love Nun" by Christopher Moore. It was great and funny and I missed him.
When I am in bikram it feels like a wierd psychotic gym class. You move in sync, there are pauses in between, but everything is pre-planned and I just don't like going to yoga to feel like a robot. On the other hand, I did feel so calm and positive last night, so I figured it must have opened something in my body.
This morning I realized how much I missed my vinyasa - the diversity and spiritual connection that is placed in every class. I missed seeing Cheryl. When I called on Vday to let her know I was going to be late, and if that was a problem I won't come - she said - This is Cheryl and I WANT you to come! For someone without a valentine, that rocked. :-) I missed doing Adho Mukha Svavasana (downward dog) and even Eka Pada Rajakapotasana (king pidgeon), a tricky but beautiful pose.
It was warmer today, I finished "The Island of the Secret Love Nun" by Christopher Moore. It was great and funny and I missed him.
Friday, February 16, 2007
Friday
Today I woke up feeling more peaceful and hopeful than I have in the past few weeks. For lunch I treated myself to La Fogata - one of my favorite Mexican joints though I'd love to try others. The big thing was that I did get... fried ice cream! It was horrid of me but so good and a belated valentine to myself. I'm reading a Christopher Moore novel and laughing out loud as always.
Mike and I first started going to La Fogata off Evans and I-25. I loved it. I loved the divey feeling and the strong margs. Lately I have been going to the new one off 225 and dtc blvd. for lunch. It is a lovely place and I bring a book and take my time. I always order the relleno, taco and enchilada combo. The relleno is my favorite and the rest get about two bites. I cannot imagine how anyone can finish a combo. Now, my treat was the fried ice cream. It was huge and lovely. Crispy fried coating, strawberry, honey, it was lovely, no other words.
After work I tried my first bikram class. It was to music and the teacher explained that during this one, she does not talk, so of course I was about ready to bolt until she started. Apparently the not talking thing was just about posture specifics, she still stated what we were supposed to do. It felt good. I still don't know about it.
Tonight I am doing a puzzle (ALWAYS), reading, walking the boys and eating pizza. Cathy and Jeff are downtown but I don't want to deal with parking and I have laundry, etc. to catch up on. Tomorrow I am driving to Frisco to their condo and leaving my angels at home. Funny how I feel so horrible about doing this yet I would leave them 3-4 times a week for Ben. Priorities apparently are not my strong suit.
Mike and I first started going to La Fogata off Evans and I-25. I loved it. I loved the divey feeling and the strong margs. Lately I have been going to the new one off 225 and dtc blvd. for lunch. It is a lovely place and I bring a book and take my time. I always order the relleno, taco and enchilada combo. The relleno is my favorite and the rest get about two bites. I cannot imagine how anyone can finish a combo. Now, my treat was the fried ice cream. It was huge and lovely. Crispy fried coating, strawberry, honey, it was lovely, no other words.
After work I tried my first bikram class. It was to music and the teacher explained that during this one, she does not talk, so of course I was about ready to bolt until she started. Apparently the not talking thing was just about posture specifics, she still stated what we were supposed to do. It felt good. I still don't know about it.
Tonight I am doing a puzzle (ALWAYS), reading, walking the boys and eating pizza. Cathy and Jeff are downtown but I don't want to deal with parking and I have laundry, etc. to catch up on. Tomorrow I am driving to Frisco to their condo and leaving my angels at home. Funny how I feel so horrible about doing this yet I would leave them 3-4 times a week for Ben. Priorities apparently are not my strong suit.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Valentines Day
So... today sucked. I lost my footing today, I don't know how, but I feel shaken. Benjamin called around noon and left a message, asking about job finding for myself. I did not call him back, he did not call me back. I don't want to talk to him, I don't want to hear him talk about everything except what he is doing tonight or with whom or whatever. I am sure he is sleeping with or dating someone and it hurts to know you have been traded, if that makes sense. It hurts to know that he needs to impress someone else, but not me. It feels as though I am not worthy of that, and it just hurts. I think that was alot of the reason that I was able to not talk to him without complete despair. I was realizing that it hurt to hear about him having nice dinners with others - friends even - while I had become the pizza and leftovers girl. It hurts that when I told him my saddest and scariest secrets it was the end of our friendship. I can't talk to him casually and hear we may meet for lunch. It feels too much.
I don't know. I am just hurt in general. I am scared. I am in pain. I am tired.
I did go to yoga tonight, I raced there - but for some reason it is not helping me. I am scared by my utter lack of self-confidence.
Right now I am eating pizza with Mr. Gus and Mr. Rocky at my feet. I am crying, I have the tv on and a puzzle on the table and I don't want to do anything except not be on this earth. I have never felt so entirely alone as I am tonight. Godspeed to a better day.
I don't know. I am just hurt in general. I am scared. I am in pain. I am tired.
I did go to yoga tonight, I raced there - but for some reason it is not helping me. I am scared by my utter lack of self-confidence.
Right now I am eating pizza with Mr. Gus and Mr. Rocky at my feet. I am crying, I have the tv on and a puzzle on the table and I don't want to do anything except not be on this earth. I have never felt so entirely alone as I am tonight. Godspeed to a better day.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
My first post!
I went back to yoga this time because of extreme depression. I was so lost in a cloud of dark fog that I could not think, I could not function in any sort of way as a healthy person.
The night before my first class I had gone to Ben's house. I was helping him with a business letter and he was cooking me a nice dinner since he had botched one the night before. Using his computer I had seen a file that was just titled "Ben and Christina's vacation". It still hurts me to see this, but I want to remind myself to stay away from him. He took Christina to Mexico a few weeks after we had broken up and he had lied to me about it. When I found out I was shaken to the core. It made an imprint into my heart that is still very much an open wound.
I left crying and could barely tell him why. I don't even think I cared to tell him. It does no good, at least that I have learned. I knew I needed to go to a yoga class, I knew I needed something prior to hurting myself further.
Yoga Energi is a studio in Cherry Creek, near my home. I arrived a bit shaken and craving some sort of peace, some sort of stability. Patrick (a co-owner) welcomed me right when I walked in the door. It felt good to be welcomed, it felt safe to me, it felt like home.
Crystal was my instructor and she was amazing. She was absolutely gorgeous and petite but very strong and very powerful. She had the most soothing voice that guided you through poses and breathing and reminded and clarified what to do with your body. You knew she was somehow connected to a higher power and was here to help guide.
So, here I am a month later. I feel stronger, I still feel comforted deeply by this place. Tonight Crystal told us to have a love-yourself valentines day, and that made more sense to me than anything else in my life right now.
I saw Mike this weekend and it hurt so much. Jaymee asked if it was ok, and I told her yes but was fighting tears. I did not want to get back together with him, but everything came back to me. Ben told me that I should never, ever beg for someone like him, or anyone, to love me. He is right, and I remember my pain, I remember my hurt and sorrow and despair after he told me he wanted to leave. I am worth more than that. I do need to love myself.
The night before my first class I had gone to Ben's house. I was helping him with a business letter and he was cooking me a nice dinner since he had botched one the night before. Using his computer I had seen a file that was just titled "Ben and Christina's vacation". It still hurts me to see this, but I want to remind myself to stay away from him. He took Christina to Mexico a few weeks after we had broken up and he had lied to me about it. When I found out I was shaken to the core. It made an imprint into my heart that is still very much an open wound.
I left crying and could barely tell him why. I don't even think I cared to tell him. It does no good, at least that I have learned. I knew I needed to go to a yoga class, I knew I needed something prior to hurting myself further.
Yoga Energi is a studio in Cherry Creek, near my home. I arrived a bit shaken and craving some sort of peace, some sort of stability. Patrick (a co-owner) welcomed me right when I walked in the door. It felt good to be welcomed, it felt safe to me, it felt like home.
Crystal was my instructor and she was amazing. She was absolutely gorgeous and petite but very strong and very powerful. She had the most soothing voice that guided you through poses and breathing and reminded and clarified what to do with your body. You knew she was somehow connected to a higher power and was here to help guide.
So, here I am a month later. I feel stronger, I still feel comforted deeply by this place. Tonight Crystal told us to have a love-yourself valentines day, and that made more sense to me than anything else in my life right now.
I saw Mike this weekend and it hurt so much. Jaymee asked if it was ok, and I told her yes but was fighting tears. I did not want to get back together with him, but everything came back to me. Ben told me that I should never, ever beg for someone like him, or anyone, to love me. He is right, and I remember my pain, I remember my hurt and sorrow and despair after he told me he wanted to leave. I am worth more than that. I do need to love myself.
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