My first post!

I went back to yoga this time because of extreme depression. I was so lost in a cloud of dark fog that I could not think, I could not function in any sort of way as a healthy person.

The night before my first class I had gone to Ben's house. I was helping him with a business letter and he was cooking me a nice dinner since he had botched one the night before. Using his computer I had seen a file that was just titled "Ben and Christina's vacation". It still hurts me to see this, but I want to remind myself to stay away from him. He took Christina to Mexico a few weeks after we had broken up and he had lied to me about it. When I found out I was shaken to the core. It made an imprint into my heart that is still very much an open wound.

I left crying and could barely tell him why. I don't even think I cared to tell him. It does no good, at least that I have learned. I knew I needed to go to a yoga class, I knew I needed something prior to hurting myself further.

Yoga Energi is a studio in Cherry Creek, near my home. I arrived a bit shaken and craving some sort of peace, some sort of stability. Patrick (a co-owner) welcomed me right when I walked in the door. It felt good to be welcomed, it felt safe to me, it felt like home.

Crystal was my instructor and she was amazing. She was absolutely gorgeous and petite but very strong and very powerful. She had the most soothing voice that guided you through poses and breathing and reminded and clarified what to do with your body. You knew she was somehow connected to a higher power and was here to help guide.

So, here I am a month later. I feel stronger, I still feel comforted deeply by this place. Tonight Crystal told us to have a love-yourself valentines day, and that made more sense to me than anything else in my life right now.

I saw Mike this weekend and it hurt so much. Jaymee asked if it was ok, and I told her yes but was fighting tears. I did not want to get back together with him, but everything came back to me. Ben told me that I should never, ever beg for someone like him, or anyone, to love me. He is right, and I remember my pain, I remember my hurt and sorrow and despair after he told me he wanted to leave. I am worth more than that. I do need to love myself.