Again

Ben texted me about fifteen minutes ago. It was something about starting a new life and career and thanking me for my support.

This morning while I was driving into work I realized that it has been a long time since I had cried. I used to cry all the time, but the last time I had done so was when I found out about Ben on Craigslist. I have been happy. There have been times that I felt a bit like crying, when the pain just touches you a bit like a ghost or a fog, but it has not been the severe and deep, dark pain that made me beg to leave this earth. It is harder here, but it does not have to be that hard.

I actually did want to text him back. I don't know what, but it was automatic, a response that would have happened usually. Tonight in class Regina asked us to make a commitment to be present, and to be mindful after class. Don't go home and turn on the tv and settle into autopilot. That was maybe the most timely advice ever in the world. I thought so much about the consequences and what I would get out of contacting him. I have given him so much of myself, so much guidance, so much love, and at this point he needs to help himself.

I ran into John and Lenae from the Boulderado tonight. They both looked wonderful and promised to have me over for drinks. This prompted me to call Nicole, who invited me over for dinner on Wednesday. Scott is out of town and it will be a good chance to catch up and feel normal again. It has been so long since I have had a home-cooked meal, being single I just... don't. Normally that is something that Benjamin and I would do. This timing is proof that God just gave me a big hug.

Cathy wrote me a nice email today. Adrian came to my office to talk about the weekend. Mike B. called to ask if I was ok. He had come into my office right after I had received Ben's email requesting that I return the shovel. I'm sure that I looked green and I know that I was shaking. He told me not to allow him to hurt me anymore. I appreciated the call today so much. It is just overwhelming to know how much support is out there when you need it.

I did have a nice weekend that I want to write about but now I am going to light some candles, pray, read my book and go to bed. I am tired.