Today

Last night I had a jivamukti class with the jivadiva, Alanna Kaivalya. She had an amazing presence. She was tan and beautiful with a triangular necklace similar to my own. I hope to get the same positive energy that radiated from her.

The class was intense. It was a series of vinyasas interlaced with thoughts and comments on spirituality, on our intentions. She said that there is no sanskrit word for regret. That we might not be on the path that we thought we would take, but we are here. We are in this wonderful class together and everything, good and bad, that has taken us here is divine.

We did wheel pose (backbend - I won't even try to pretend I know the sanskrit name) three times. Wheel pose causes me tremendous anxiety. Everytime I go up I am scared I won't be able to do it. Half the time my shoulders are pinched. Cheryl thinks I should move my hands closer together, Chrystal thinks the opposite. Either way it is not my favorite. The first time I made it up. The second time we were to do it for a loved one and I chose mom. This time I felt so much emotion and energy moving through the pose. I sprang up and was higher and more vibrant than ever before. The third time was for someone that "challenges" us. I chose Ben of course. We were instructed through the pose to let it go. Whatever beef you have with that person is yours alone, and that is true. I am holding on to this pain and betrayal and it is not helping anyone. I again lifted higher than before and focused on releasing that part of my life.

I am doing much better. I rarely think of the pain, I rarely think of him, of our relationship, but for some reason in savasana I almost started crying. I felt so sad for this beautiful spirit inside of myself and how I had allowed it to be hurt once again. I felt like I was looking at myself from above.

When I told Cheryl that I was hurting she said that it is too bad, that it is frustrating to be so hurt when you are just trying to help and love someone. It resonated so deep because I was trying. I was trying to bring him back to himself.

I don't think he is an evil person, I don't think anyone is capable of being and evil person. I believe we are all part of God. It is when you forget this, when you forget what is true and good you must create pain to give yourself a point of reference. I think he has very much forgotten his true self. I don't know when and if he will ever remember that in this lifetime, but I have done all that I can to help.

A few months ago I had a dream that he led me into this dark and evil forest. I think that was a preview of what was to come as opposed to a warning. His actions wounded me so deeply that I threw myself into yoga. He put me into this studio and it is here that I am following my true path. Last night I meditated on coming out of that forest and back into the light, to the beauty and love. I meditated on coming home.