Evening

It is over again. A short reprieve I guess.

I want to read, to do my puzzle to fall asleep with Gussie warming my feet and Rocky's little body spooned against me in comfort. It is nice to wake up in your own bed. I love his bed though. Damn that bed.

Last night I felt so horrible. He never complimented me. He did not ask my questions about my life. No wonder we watch so much tv together. He doesn't care and I am scared to ask. We talked about owning a restaurant and hell yes he is obnoxious. I know that is number one of his list of how to get girls in bed. The mean "get out" at the sidewalk and just not caring. He would not do that to Christina, to Brande, to the lawyer. I almost walked home. Why am I treating myself this way? Why did I not leave? My dreams were bad, I dreamed that Ben was watching a video of Mike and I, and that I was trying to help a boy and could not do so.

I looked nice last night, I was so excited, and it just exploded into sadness. I am worried now, I am worried that every time I have that much bottled happiness, that it turns so quickly into sorrow. I am tired. I vacuumed, I cleaned. I feel so lost and left behind. Life hurts.